Rinoa Heartily

2003-01-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

9.49 am in Singapore

Dear Diary..
yesterday nite he just told me that in the end, he cannot commit..
before that nite, i was out clubbing.. n when i was like damned high, i phone him to tell him that i luv him.. n y he always with my heart..
that nite he never replay wen i ask him whether he luv or not... then i broke down n cry.. i cry all my soul...
how i hated him.. yeah he finally make me cry like the cry that i really dun want to do..then i think taht i know that it wase last drop..
then last nite we talk.. on messenger as usual.. n he told me that he cannot commit,,,
he broke my heart...
wat am i supposed to do.. i told him taht as if i ahve a say... i cannot do anything but accept rite??
dear diary...
sorrryy i really need to move on...
this is gonna b my last entry...
end

pieces by pieces, i'm trying to mend the most valuable thing that i have n lost alreadi

2003-01-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

1/1/2003 5:20:39 AM | gemma lee]
5.01 pm in mauritius..

Dear Diary

happy new year 2003...
last nite as always i make the wish of the year with the usual hope that it may come true.. may be u think that i was wishing for him n me to be together.. but u r wrong.. deeply wrong.. in fact wen on e last strike of midnite i really wonder... my fav nick.. hahah i really wonder.. i wondefr about my life about wat i have done this year.. wat i have achieved... well tks God ... Thks a lots..
Thks You my Lord .. Thks a lots for all the good times.. for all the fun.. for making one of my greatest wish come true,... i'm 4ever grateful.. i really do.. i may not be the perfect human being on earth but i'm grateful.. thks a lots..
then i wish that the next year will be as properous n peaceful.. i wish that my family will always be healthy and great... i wish e same 4 all my frenz.. old ones n new ones// or anyone that deserve some peace and some blessings.. i always ask for theblessings of all the people i know in my prayers.. they may not know but i do pray.. i pray each time taht i can. when i feel that something can be wrong.. i even pray for people that i may not know.. for people who do wrong to me.. i dun care... may be they dun care but i do ..
i wish that my life at temasek hall will be a continuous one as in all my life in nus.. i wish that i ahve the time to do more community service.. to do more good actions.. to be less blurred.. to be more joyful.. to be more of a hearing ear.. to be good.. to be nice...
well diary... sory to disapoint u but i did not wish that he will luv me by next year hahah i think that sometimes one must know what is the most important thing in the world.. luv is definitely not one of them if i get to choose.. in fact i really wonders.. issit?? could it be?? i really dunno.. i feel that i should start anew... may be be somebody else... i think that these days have been weird... they did not help me think about that.. okie i think of him at least once a day but... at midnite yesterday i was confused as if everything was put into question.. i fear that i will fall for him again.. may be i should b strong...
well life will decide..
i go off now...
next entry will b singapore time heyheye..
byebye mauritius.. later got something to say upon it hahah

steffy
[edit]

2003-01-01T05:20:00.000-08:00

5.01 pm in mauritius..

Dear Diary

happy new year 2003...
last nite as always i make the wish of the year with the usual hope that it may come true.. may be u think that i was wishing for him n me to be together.. but u r wrong.. deeply wrong.. in fact wen on e last strike of midnite i really wonder... my fav nick.. hahah i really wonder.. i wondefr about my life about wat i have done this year.. wat i have achieved... well tks God ... Thks a lots..
Thks You my Lord .. Thks a lots for all the good times.. for all the fun.. for making one of my greatest wish come true,... i'm 4ever grateful.. i really do.. i may not be the perfect human being on earth but i'm grateful.. thks a lots..
then i wish that the next year will be as properous n peaceful.. i wish that my family will always be healthy and great... i wish e same 4 all my frenz.. old ones n new ones// or anyone that deserve some peace and some blessings.. i always ask for theblessings of all the people i know in my prayers.. they may not know but i do pray.. i pray each time taht i can. when i feel that something can be wrong.. i even pray for people that i may not know.. for people who do wrong to me.. i dun care... may be they dun care but i do ..
i wish that my life at temasek hall will be a continuous one as in all my life in nus.. i wish that i ahve the time to do more community service.. to do more good actions.. to be less blurred.. to be more joyful.. to be more of a hearing ear.. to be good.. to be nice...
well diary... sory to disapoint u but i did not wish that he will luv me by next year hahah i think that sometimes one must know what is the most important thing in the world.. luv is definitely not one of them if i get to choose.. in fact i really wonders.. issit?? could it be?? i really dunno.. i feel that i should start anew... may be be somebody else... i think that these days have been weird... they did not help me think about that.. okie i think of him at least once a day but... at midnite yesterday i was confused as if everything was put into question.. i fear that i will fall for him again.. may be i should b strong...
well life will decide..
i go off now...
next entry will b singapore time heyheye..
byebye mauritius.. later got something to say upon it hahah

steffy

2002-12-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

5.40 pm in Mauritius

Dear diary...
i wish so much that he is here by my side.. i really miss him so much.. but i wonder.. i really do.. am i going out wiz him.. issit a dream?? he never promise or say anything.. i regret so much that i ask him that.. ask him whether he likes me or not.. he said he not sure.. then how about i?? i'm so sure that i like him.. wat his prob.. may be he really stuck as far as feelings are concerned.. i hope so much taht he missed me too...
e other day.. i met ffwdguy.. he was wiz pang.. well u wun believe it.. he fell in luv with me.. ayo.. one more trouble.. hope that he wun bother meee.. ayya so many trouble alreadi with pang.. he kept telling me that since e day that we met, he has always luv me.. aya wat am i supposed to do if the feelings is not mutual.. well i understand.. if winsun just tell me that the feelings is not reciprocal.. then i will do my best to 4get him.. i swear.. but not sure about his feelingsz 4 me is so misleading n confusing.. help me God..
but i did not spend my whole time here thinking about huim... i went dancing e otehr nite... waren kept buying stuff 4 me n even pay my entry.. ayay.. must not give him hope.. then got my little neighbour.. kenny.. haha he is quite cute.. but.. soooo... ayoo..
i wanted to 4get him here.. but it's quite dfficult hor./. ayyaya...
like him so much wat..
enfin.. c how when i come back.. should not 4gett o bring wat he wants.l. bottle of win n vodka.. :)

go lahh..
ciao...
merry xmas n hapy n

2002-12-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

8.43 in Mauritius..

dear diary.,,,
sad ahhh..
he does not even know whether he likes me or not.. i doubts,, i not even sure whether this is e rite thing to do.. to luv him

i wonders... *sigh*

2002-12-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

11.29 am in Singapore

dear diary

everything was just lika a fairy tale .. so nice.. soo good.. we went out.. watch movie.. e james bond movie.. though i may not like to watch that movie.. but i was sooo happy that i was going with him that rea;;y othing could matters...
we went out on the next nite also.. went out 4 dinner... we hold hands.. it was soooo great.. i really thought that things could b different... really different,. n becoming special... everything was really like a dream..
but then.... suddenly... out of the blue...
yesterday i wanted to spend the day with him.. i'm going back this wed.. but i think that the feeling was not recprocal... i waited the whole dayy... waited.. i hate waiting.. i got na patience at all.. i kow.. but i waited... i also waited for him to finish his movie.. i dunno wat rat race.. then i suddenly realize that he just does not wana go... so i told him that if he did not want to go out, it's okie..yeahh.. i was rite.. he said he is too lazy to go out... wat was i supposed to do.. i was all dressed.. n waiting like the most complete fool that i am.. i was hurt.. nahh i was more than hurt.. disapointed... i was let down.. i dun care.. i go out anyway... i wun let him ruin my day.. if not alreadi..
then later.. he did went out.. went out with his fren to hav dinner n watch movie.. the last drop..cannot take it anymore... too much.. tired tiireedd..

* to be continued.. another DAY..

2002-12-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

10.27 am in Singapore

Dear Diary...

he is back...
the other nite i was damned sick ahh.. it was soo painful.. having the whole body shivering , head ache, oulalalal but after one nite, i feel much better.. in fact it was less than one nite lor... he message me that nite.. told him i was sick. he looked so concern... i asked him whether he missed me or not, he said that he has been thinkinf about me day n nite.. but i still dunno whether he is bluffing n making fun of my feelings agains... i dare not say that i miss him again... not to make a fool of myself..
but i was really happy that the first thing that he did while getting into singapore is to message me.. so happy.. he has not even reached hall yet.. *sigh*..

yesterday, i asked him to come down.. to eat what i cook.. he actually come down.. may be he did not eat much bcuz he was full alreadi.. but he came down.. it was sooo great... then later we watch that stupid war movie.. but it was okie.. i was happy.. tht's e point ...then i asked him whether he wanted to go clubbing this saturday.. he said dun want.. but he want to go movie.. watch e james bobd movie (dun like james bond) but i said y not... :)
soooo happyy.. but i still wonders.. issit e game again.. wat will happen after e holidays.. i'm going back.. wil it b game over? or just e begining of a new game...
oulalala dilemna////...

*sigh*..
wat i fear now is how to tell my comm that i need to go back.. i really cannot make it.. n my family needs me now..
need to go... need to run away...

2002-11-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

9.28 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
i'm fed up.. really fed up.. i cannot stand this injustice world... i did not get into handball.. i know that i'm okie player.. i can defend well.. may be i did not concentrate much during trials but i know that i can do it.. still she did not put me in.. the top of all is that she is soo unfair.. put all her frenz.. hate her soo much.. more.. i did not get into soccer also.. wat the hell.. i really ahte this life of shit.. cannot make it lah.. i need to run away/... and i will... i'm going bak home.. dad told me to come back alreadi... got something.. i dunno wat...
i'm scared.. soo scared...
i feel so lousy.... i thought that i was a sport person.. well according to em, i'm not.. n i hate myself so much.. i easily get depressed one.. before i do something stupid, i prefer to go away.. run away from em all.. i need time on my own.. i need to go away from here.. n i miss my parents n sisters so much.. ahha who would have thought that one day i would actually miss em...
wat a stupid life of shit...going back on 11,, they wun care.. they never care anyway.. will b so busy with the ihg.. volleyball.. she never let me play.. i stiull wonder y she put me in.. she always said " stef can u lower urself".. "stef harder.. " " stef softer".. always somethign is wrong.. i never talk that much wat,.. i alaywa the silent one.. wat the hell...
then.. i'm going back.. i miss him soo much alreadi... i wonder if he is coming back at the end of this week.. if yes, then can c him.. if not... sad lor.. no fate..
yesterday.. went clubbing.. with jhonny.. then we danse one slwo danse at e end.,. nothing wrong.. but when he holds me, i actually think that it was Him holding me..
karen also think that they r rite.. so i am e only one who find wrong in e list.. i hate this life..
how to get points.. how to stay.. how to continue... how to achieve high..
hate this life.. hate this life.. hate this life.. hate this life... hate this life...
i going clubbing.. think taht it is e only thing i can do wel.. i'm soo lousy in everything...
hate this life..
ahh one thing.. i will wait 4 fate to decide.. if no fate.. then must c how after 3 weeks... i cannot wait 4 him anymore.. cannot wait like a stupid girl sicky inlove...i wan to start anew.. so i wil go back.. n ponder about this stupid life.. then come back n start again...
God Please Help Me........................

2002-11-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

11.20 pm in Singapore

dear diary..

today very tired.. got 5 hours of trainings.. i just hope that i get into these sports.. basketball, netball and soccer... and that i slim down ahhahaha.. :P anyway.. tomor even tough day.. going for sunley buloh.. to take care of children... and come back for volleyball training...anyway.. that's my life now... but i did not get into badmington.. so sad... anyway..
it's been a few days since holidays.. mine... since wed... i went shoping.. went to buy new shoes.. nice but ex lor.. mum gonna kill me hahahha... in fact she knows... it's okie lahh.. ahhaha they got the parcel from karen hahah they r happyy.. :P so no scolding hahah but i will need to buy soccer boots if i get into soccer.. hope soo cross my fingers.. n i want to get into netball, handball and basketball now.. i must b crazy... in fact i'm scared of not getting in.. :(

the otehr day... saturday was his last exams day.. he went back straight afeter it... guess wat he did.. he fone me..just to say byebye... just to say that he is going back.. i was tired at that time.. but after the call, i feel sooooo happy.. i dunno whyy.. i'm just being stupid i guess..
anyway.. must c how after these 2 weeks.. i really wish.. but wishing upon a star is so easyyy..
anyway.. me tired.. tomor got the sungei bulorhh/// :)

nitenite..
steffyy

i will use these two weeks.. these trainings to just try to 4get him/.....

2002-11-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

10.54 am in Singapore

dear diary..
hurt ahh.. hurt so much.. whenever i think of him, my heart aches.. why ah?? why must things be like this.. somehow i got this feeling that we r never gonna b together...never...
i wish taht i could really hate him.. deep inside, i'm really hurt by his ways.. but deep in my heart, i just could not let go..'
wat am i supposed to do? just ignore him?> dun smile.. dun mesage him.. stop being too nice to him.. stop caring 4 himm or even stop loving him.. i wish that all this could happen through my one n only wish....
he keeps haunting me like a ghost... like a spectre.. who would never rest as long as i'm not down 6 feet uner the ground also.. i feel this life is bitter, no taste.. no love would be so cruel.. so bad.. so sad.. but with luv, it just does not make it better,, pain suffereing endurance...
yesterday while watching movie, i just stare on the window in front of me n just expect him to pop in.. n smile the smile that i like,,, i would smile back bcuz the smile was alreadi there just by the thought of it.. it sounds so silly now.. at nite, i always have this special thought of him b4 going to sleep.. i feel that i'm letting go.. not letting him go but letting myself go... and it's bad.. it will just automatically destroyed me... how?/ i dunno.. wat to do?? i dunnoo.. luv is strong.. i just hope that i'm stronger... may be i'm just one sicked girl in luv.... so lame... if i go through all this n still come out intact, i wun b e same.. just the me but one bitter one.. i just feel it...
help me... somebody plz help me..

2002-11-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

2.30 am in Singapore

dear diary..
this may soon cease to exist.. bcuz this time the feeling of letting go is strong.. bcuz... bcuz i'm disgusted...
last last nite, i ask him to come n help me bring my frenz who was very sleepy home.. but no he did not came.. ask me why.. i dunno..
i found that it was quite heartless n selfish ahhh.. i hate people like that... mel said that may be he is tired or lazy... it's not about otehr triviual stuff .. it's about people's life.. should be more serious... she was realy sleepy and i was really scared that she will fall on the way back .. then how?? how was i going to manage with all n everything??? he failed.. he failed lamently... the only test....
sad... sad... disapointed.. wat else can i be.. it's not about me.. it's something deep inside...
this week and the next two weeks... this weks he got exams everyday.. next 2 weeks he is going back malaysia...
somehow i will miss him.. but.,.. i will try to 4get him during this period of time.. cannot lor...
this is too painful..
okie.. here i say it loud.. the last time lor... i love him..
i love the way he is so serious during competition..
i love the way he smiles with the 2 eyes closed..
i luv the way he cares for me, even if it is only two times...

but i hate the way he tends to joke around with his frens..
i hate his way of being an arrogant chauvinist pig
i hate even more myself for not having teh courage to let go..

two weeks of absense.. will try to 4get,, n move on..
unless.. unless he really changed .. unless he admits that he likes me.. unless he asks me out ... i wil make him just another man...

luv
steffy

2002-11-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

10.44 am in Singapore

dear diary..
that's it/.. he has been using me all the way.. making fun of my feelings for him... abusing me ... mocking ... sooo funnyy...
i hate him, man.. hate him so much now that i wan kick his big ass good-bye.. wana make him suffer as much as i am now.. wana make him regret his miserable life of shit... wana make him wana die...
*sigh* all these r just stupid words of anger.. i just know it.. but wat else can i do..
why in this fucking world do i have to love somebody like that// i'm not even sure how he feels about me.. in any case, it could not be love.. may be a distraction.. something funny that can be done from time to time.. hate him so much taht stupid moron...wana make him suffer...
yesterday nite was the last drop... i just ask him 4 help.. but no.. he cant.. damned stupid man.. damned selfish and heartless...wat if something really happen to me n mel?? wat would happen.. somehow i really wish that something could have happened so that his conscience would not be at ease.. but does he have one?? i doubt now.....
i hate his rude way of talking... his impolite way of talking.. of ssaying that he falling asleep already.. as if dismissing me or sometjhingf like that... he rhink that he is wat?? the king may b.. damned him/.. just go to hell, man...

steffyy

2002-11-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

3.06 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
studying.. have alreadi gone through the first papewr.. i fluked.. i got this feeling of failure..
but why i'm writing is bcuz..
i was thinking of himm.. so sad.. yesterday saw him.. very late..
was soo happyy..
i made the small flowers to give to all my neighbours 2 wish them luck 4 e exqams...
n somehow i made one for him.. why i dunnoo..
in fact when i made the first one, i took more than one hour to do so... may be bczu i care.
i just know that the first one will be for him.. i wana so much to give him.. but i dare not..
wat if he refuses... wat if he just make fun of me..
what if i just slide it under his door and do nothing>>
wat if i just dun give him..
i stare at the flower n think of him.. so lame rite..
c how lahh.. going to study..
just wanted to tell ya that i was thinking of him n somehow i miss him.... miss him soo much....
*sigh*

luv
steffy

2002-11-08T03:38:00.000-08:00

damned cannot write more.. people is staring at me.. i must lower my screen down.. i cannot let people c this.. so pai sei lor.. fdamned it.. i dun wan people to know that i may be that weak.. that i may that stupid.. that i'm just a dumb girl.. i wana so much show the world of wat i can be.. i may not b the strongest person on earth.. but i am strong in my own special way.. i may not be the special girl.. but i know that i'm different olor... i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i really i really i real;y i rea;;y i rea;;y do i rreally do.. i really do

luv steffy

2002-11-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

7.24 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
yesterday .. i think that it was on of my first move to let him go...
ask me how...
he messsage me late at nite.. may be in the morning.. around 1 oclock .. dun remember..
i was like so shocked that i nearly tripped on the stairs.. in the study room... anyway... he was asking me whether i was studying or not.. so weird.. that wat i also think.. but then.. anyway... okie.. i really thought that things wer changing but it was not..
i do feel like a toy in his hands, palyed around.. pulled here and there... damned it...
in fcat he was bored .. so i thought that he wanted to talk n tell me stuff.. may be he is stressed like the otehr time.. n got big projects taht he want to tell people.. i dun mind listening to him.. bcuz i think that everyone should have someobody to listen to.. anyway..
but i was studying.. i need to do lotds of stuff.. anyway....
so i tell hom that may be later i come n talk to him...
then he replied that he may be asleep.. wat he want me to do... come n c him immediately lor?? wat he wana do?? itssit a game.. it is sicked thenn i dun wana play.. i duyn wan to play anymore... this just too sicked lor...
i hate him so much.. then he replied me that he is falling asleep anyway/.. i was hurt.. i was damned hurt lor,..
the way he talked to me,, is always so cold.. n i told him so.. he never replied.. he is playing with my feelings.. why ah?? why me lor?? why?? i hate him so much...
just notw i saw him and he do as if he cannot see me.. eeven more hurt.. i hate him with all my soul and heart.. how could he?? why?? i try to give him everything.. but i got nothing.. bonly my love.. n he treat me as if i never exist before.. i dun wana live this life of shiot lor... dam,ned he.. damned.. i feel really bad.. if only he knew how much i wanated to go n c him.. just the sight of him.. i really will b happy lor.. but no.. things turned out to be not that i could dream.. anyway.. i resisted.. i think that it is a god move.. everbody said he is bad .. why?? issit really that love is bad mer??

luv steffy

2002-11-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

11.16 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
am at e bizad canteen.. still revising... though i feel that i ahve been doing nothing.. n damned scared that i fluked my exams...
but i'm stress.. feel the head so heavy... and the neck so stiff.. aya...
recently, it seems that when i'm ready to let him go.. everybody seems to start to talk about him.. my frenz said that he is bad.. that he is fat.. that he got sleazy smile.. that he got sleazy lokk.. i wanted so much to tell them taht if physical apearance counted so much for me, i would never never have go for this type of guy.. may be he is a bit round round.. and not that tall.. n not that great body also.. but anyway.. i really dunno go for physical look.. or at least.. however he may be on the outside.. i just cant seem to find the bad parts of it.. may be love is really blin.. i dun care..
i dun find him fat.. just string.. i dun find his smile sleazy but sweet.. i dun find his eyes sleazy but sexy n cute.. aya.. this may sound lame, rite.. i dun care...
i'm scared.. so scared that this will be a no-end situation.. a situation that i will surely regret later if not alreadi.. damned..
i dream.. i daydream.. i nitedream about him ... n everything.. isssit that i may be doomed>> issit that i may be hopelessly in luv.. issit thta i may be crazy also???/
should let go... i know i always say that but never really let go in real.. damned it..
i must go study.. let lie to myself.. let not face this situation.. let me stone n dream of him... let me just go ahead for a while.. let me.. let me...

luv steffy..

ps the comment dun seem to work.. got i dunno wat problems.. aya later check,. :)

2002-11-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

1.59 pm in Singapore

very tired. tired of everything... wana let go.. wana peace .. peace of mind..
if i just got time to turn back n stare back at my life, i would simply cry... wat i have done is nothing..
yesterday was his birthday.. they spent e whole nite drinking likemad n puking.. he never contact me or message .. i akways was e one to do e 1st move... n i certainly not the type to do so.. i did a lots.. quite a lots.. i showed him more than i can shown.. tell him more than i could say.. damned.. i feel low lor.. it is not me.. i got pride.. i got my self esteem.. i got my own principles.. i went all through this just to receive a little luv in return.. i'm hurt.. i'm more than hurt.. i'm damned hurt.. i felt used.. gonzesse told me about it.. i know.. but somewhere i feel like i dunno about it.. it seems that i'm conscious that i'm being used but still not that conscious.. i could never object .. never could say no.. never protest.. may be i am weak.. simply n lamentably weak... damned me..
but i still on the verse of breaking down for him.. i feel sad when i think about him.. i feel hurt when i think of the way he treats me.. i feel even worse when i think about me.. i feel damned.. doomed... i feel like crying.. i feel like crying all my soul.. i feel that this life is not worth it... i feel like that i'm gonna hate myself n hate him... damned me..........................................
may be it's just the stress that makes the impact of pain even more painful n intensive.. may be i'm too tired to think properly.. n too lonely.. that i feel deprived.. ....
better stop this drama... need to go n study..

steffy

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment. -Dale Carnegie 1888-1955, American Author, Trainer

2002-11-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

12.46 am in Singapore

dear Diary..
just wwent makane.. y i'm writing again?? bcuz gonzese just make me realise that all through our lunch, all i talk is about him.. damned ...
i think that i'm quite doomed lor.. omg.. dun want..
i feel obssessed.. aya in fer mem betise aya.. enfin o moins pa in fer koi..
mo vraimnet content so gro 40 ahhahaha.. bonne.. :) mo cror mo vraiment lamentable.. aya.. mo k vraiment dan bez la...
mo in plein.. r mem zaffaire.. li zamais dir moi si li content moi ou pa..
i feel hurt.. i feel that this is going nowhere... no response.. dead-line communication.. damned hurt..
but somehow.. how impatient i may be, i will wait till after exams.. then c how...
if still deadline communication, i will just drop e whole thing..
i still dunno how to move on.. but at least yesterday i get to c him.. feel much better..now i can go n study.. :P wun miss him wat.. hahahah damned stupid lor
berty succeeds to move on.. so happy 4 him.. i wana have this type of strength to move on.. to just try to forget him ahhh..
anyway...
this is the story of a very lame girl who is in luv with the rite rind of wrong rite?? :P
ahh one more thing..yesterday.. seeing talking sso fervently.. i wanted to tell him "i like you" no.. in fact it was much more , wanted to tell him " hey, i luv u"... but i did not...
i like to watch him talk about business.. so charismatic.. :P
luv luv him lor..
i just hope that this is not just a whole mistakes.. my frenz told me that he is no good.. but listening to him yesterday, still makes me think that he is not a bad guy.. i like guys who pretend to be cool.. but inside such a tender heart...but these types of guys r hard to get... bcuz they r protecting themselves with a hard shell.. :(
my deepest fear.. is to find him with another girl.. to find that he likes in another girl.. yesterday he talks about cara .. i feel jealous lor.. somehow it never happen before.. this is wat really worries me... i cannot stand jealousy.. n i wun stand myself being jealous.. i think that i will hate myself...damned...
dun wana think about it...
hate him

2002-11-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

11.22 am in singapore

yesterday was my slacking day.. was so tired lor..
then i spent the whole day doing one stupid design for sports comm that nobody likes.. i feel misunderstood.. they just dun understand the meeting of the design... it is about an archer who is throwing lightings.. in fact he is in a cloud pushed by the winds.... but the meaning is much more than thaty.. it's shows several natural elements of weather.. but i personally interpret it as either comet or storm.. but comet is more likely bcuz of the force it loks like going... so sad...
so i was pretty down.. especially when they just have no reaction.. so damn painfulll
i spent the whole day for peanuts.. for nothing lor... then at nite, could not study.. i feel tood down..
then i miss him also... so i message him.. wana chitchat.. we watch a movie "The Duel" one of my fav movie bcuz got vickie n kristy cheung.. two actresses that i find the most pretty lor... :) the story line is okie one.. i watched it before in mandarin but at some part i couldnot understand... so this time, i watched in cantonese.. i understand much better :P
then we talks.. we talk about skoll life.. i think that he is quite stress.. n dunno what to do.. so he dreams about opening a business.. he thinks that he got a good marketing plan, so i was debating with him about business prospective.. very exciting.. but no that much when he always got the solution to back me off.. then at one time, i relly dunno what to say..
in fact business os okie, but dropping out for it, i think that it is quite serious lah. he said that he is waiting for an opportunity, wat opp?? need k lor. so i think thatthe idea was quite far-fetched. he said that he dun want 2 b like most people to work their way up.. i know this is also how i visualize my futur also, working my way up..
but mostly, i think that he can do it, he got the ambitions and guts to do it, he is quite sure about the need of a good marketing plan.. i really wish him lots of luck, but i also dun wan him to fall down n suddenly wake up n see that it was just a stupid dream but then it would have been so late.. so sad.. i dun wan him to drop skol just bcuk he feels that he is only going to get 2000 sin dollars p[er month afterwards...
but i do admire him... so charismatic lor, i like his way to b different, total opp of me ah..

i still think that he is stres... poor baby...
hungry.. makane makane

steffy

2002-10-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

just install that comment things..
dun hesitate.. hahah

luv
steffy

2002-10-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

9.27 am in Singapore

dear diary

in study room now.. so tired. slept only 5 hours last note or should i say this morning... damne tired lor.. back pain pain.. neck stiff
but i keep telling myself that this is only for the exams n that hard work will reap good results... i know this sounds damn lame lor but at least it gives me courage to go on.. :)
as soon as this exams over, i sleep for 2-3 days non-stop lor.. hahaha
the girls wer talking this morning how couples seem to crop up out of nowhere just before the exams started.... bcuz of stress.. yeah i really understand them lor.. when u r really stress, u need someone to talk to you.. no need to have lots of people.. only one suffices.. :) need a god massage.. n tender words that make u wana make the world go round... :) but i dun hav one.. *sighs*
somehow i really miss him.. what is our problem i dunno n cannot specify... what is the outcome, i cannot generate bcuz of lack of data.. what is the input.. this, i know.. but the output seems to be one-stream one.. one channel active only.. without interactive communication or both sided channel.. nothing could be processed lor.. the handshaking failed... the transaction cannot be proceeded... the whole system will just break down..
at first i really thought that the initial problem is the exams and studying and the solution proposed could be patience and after the exams... but the whole calculations wer wrong and misleading... so when the whole system is evalued again, certain factors wer found to be missing...may be lost or may be inexistant...
therefore, as this non-stop process, yet hopeless one, continues, the analyst feels like the work is in vain one.....
so, he will just shut down everything..n try not save any work.. any false data... n try to move on to the next project..
i really feel like letting go.. i really feel like moving on.. i really feel that he just does not belong to me...
i wana so much so spend a whole day to ponder about the whole thing.. but dun have time...
anyway c how after exams.. :)
if i'm lucky, i will just 4get him.. unlucky, i can just go n die.. :P

When somebody gives you a sexy look, you know they're trying. It's terrible! But when you smile, it's so much sexier!
Carol Alt 1960-, American Model

i found this soo funny.. sometimes u just like it when people know how to appreciate you even how damned lousy one may be..
i dun care if i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, dun acre if i dun ahve a brain like Eistein, dun care if i'm not that good in anything..
i'm just me.. sometimes airhead.. sometimes in the clouds.. sometimes not existing.. sometimes very blurr..sometimes dumb like dumbo.. sometimes lousy as never..
it's just me.. take me as i may be... bcuz i will just dun care wat people may think i am.. i am i..

2002-10-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

12.32 in singapore

dear diary
hor sien lor.... been studying practically whole nite lor...
later got test computing one.. only 5 % of the whole.. so irritating...
this sunday is his birthday.. i dunno wat to do,, but i wun do anything..just on that day, i will wish him happy birthday...
it's been 2 weeks since we have not seen each other .. except yesterday saw him on the bus stop but that does not really count lor..
so sad... i may just string at his picture for fun.. n he does look so cute in that ibg tennistable picture..
ah he got into badmington & tabletennis.. :P of course.. soi koi...

i'm homesick.. wana go hom... e otehr day when i fone hime, talk to daddy.. man,,, i really miss em all..
daddy was asking me what was i doing.. told him studying..which was damned true lor.. :P i hope that he is not worry about me..
but he told me not to go out very often.. then i told hjm that cannot since the exams r coming... so sad..
but i feel like going hom lor.. i wana talk to my sisters.. n hug them all.. i wana chat n gossip with my sisters,, tell them what was happening over here.. pester them around..
but i have to wait like 8 more months.. i swear that as soon as exams over, not more than 1 week afterwards, i will try to go backk...

soo sad... :(

luv
steffy

A farmer who had a quarrelsome family called his sons and told them to lay a bunch of sticks before him. Then, after laying the sticks parallel to one another and binding them, he challenged his sons, one after one, to pick up the bundle and break it. They all tried, but in vain. Then, untying the bundle, he gave them the sticks to break one by one. This they did with the greatest ease. Then said the father, Thus, my sons, as long as you remain united, you are a match for anything, but differ and separate, and you are undone.
Author: Aesop 620-560 BC, Greek Fabulist

2002-10-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

2.54 am in Singapore

dear diary..
today was a hard day.. i really thought that it was the end of everything lor...
first.. my guarantors abandoned me.. why ahhhh
anyway dun care..
then got scolded by the officer over there.. i was almost crying ahhhhh..
wat a fucking day...
then seeing one of my guarantor.. have to smile .. pretend that everything is alrite... n that it's okie.. soo hard..
why people r like that... do they know how pain it is to hurt other people or not..
then i was soo fed up wiz this stupid life.. that i went to study in reading room.. i was feeling like being alone.. n have some peace of mind...
anyway.. the forms .. i sent them to my mum.. n tell her to help me.. i'mm fed up of relying on other people... i hate to rely on people...
anyway.. lettting go..
fortunately.. gonzess said that we go out n eat.. we went to ikea n eat.. it was soo good...
then now my stupid roommate is putting her music damned loud .. i'm tired.. i need to go n sleep... i piss off on her... she is super irritating.. i ahte her soo much.. why cant she just stay in malaysia ahh.. why must i have roommate.. i hope the greenman com n take her name... i will be soo happyy... she is damned stupid or wat.. may be she is just so styupidly blind.. cant see the time ahh..
macrelle lahh... bez so mama, foutour.. liziers coter.. dan fesse non? bezer ti pitin lahh.. pa fer moi arager la, macrelle.. mo fout toi ene bez....
li plein moi.. mari enkor.. pa kapav guet so face.. net tryv li, gagne plein.. ek mo fini coummance arrager tou..
omg.. here she sings.. damned.. she must be super hyper stupid or lousyyy...
just shut up ur damned mouth...

go to he;lll, stupid roommate..

steffy

2002-10-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

2.19 am in Singapore

dear diary
so tired n so full..
just had the steamboat party for karen's birthday.. she does lokk sooo happyu.. n that make us all so happy...
it was a total surprise.. :P
i gave her the sqaure necklace.. i really hope that she louves it..
i ask him to come down but he is so anti-social.
the aprty was fun,.. lots of food... and we even watch a movie afterwards.. so cool..
but one thing that i'm damned worried is that i may not get the money back.. omg.. plz dun let this happen again.. mum is gonna kill me...
i swear that this will be the last bday party that i'm gonna do with my money.. they never gave me the money last time...

but still he was not there.. but anyway, he will be so uneasy among all these people..
i dunno ley..
but i was thinking of having another crush on another person.. may be that would make me forget about him..one person is cropping into my mind.. but he tends to be sooo childish.. unlike him wat.. i'm confused.. but when i think about it deeply.. i'm confused...
but i just know that if he does not like me, i will move on...
the other note, i ask gonzesse to buy his porc floss.. but i did not go n give him.. i ask gonzesse to do it 4 me..
he thinks that i gave to him which is true.. but which i also denied,.,.. i dun want him to think that i'm throwing myself over him.. so embarassing...
anyway..
exams r coming.. soryy ah.. but i will be switching everything off.. so wun see me for a long time.. :P
he just went to sleep.. his nick no more on icq...*sighs*

luv
steffy

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
Dr. Karl Menninger

2002-10-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me.
Robert Bridges 1844-1930, British Poet

he is my hero.. the one that i really admire.. n i dun admire many people.. may be i wun hav the courage to tell him.. hahahha
but i do admire him...

2002-10-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

8.19 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
my whole rite arm painful...yesterday played both socer n badmington..
i kind of like soccer n badmington.. hope to get in..
i saw him played badmington..
he sure got that charisma while playing badmington.. his hand always on the alert position as if hang to the roof hahhaha.
he is soo cute wat hahha...
ahh terrence also not bad watr.. i think that he is supposed to be good... :)
today i talk to him.. waouhh,, he is soo cute also hahah..
nah not falling in luv.. but he is kaind of captivating.. hahahha.. m:)
my frren got rejected.. i just cannot help b angry for her.. how could he... mean that thay did it .. did so much.. he thinks that he is too special or wat.. my fren may not b an angel but she is human.. got feeling... i know thta deep inside she is hurt.. but she acts cool.. bcuz she is strong.. if it was me, i would have exploded.. kicked things, shouted... then i would break down n cry... i cannot control my feelings.. i know that this is weak.. but at least i'm not containing the whole of everythuing...
i dunno ley,.. if he does e same thing to me, i know that i just die lor.. i cannot accept... too difficult..

need to go.. got meeting

steffy

2002-10-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

2.23 pm in singapore

Dear diary..
very tired..
the nitecycling was definitely a bad idea.. i feel really out of place.. cycling is a world that i definitely dun belong... n all the oac people.. out of place.. then the whole nite.. i was not feeling very well.. may be i was sicked.. i dunno ley.. i just feel uneasy all nite..
he came.. i was scared for him.. so stupid rite... he look damned pro with his bike.. it is just a world that i dun belong..
yesterday nite... went to do some shopping.. ayaay in refer emem betise enkor..
plein r tou plein r tou..
he told me he is imaginating.. imaginating wat... this situation is soo difficult... like i said.. leading to nowhere.. i feel disgusted with myself.. what am i doing.. issit worth it? isssit how my life is ? isssit me? issit always gonna b like this? issit gonna last?
i doubt.. i really do...
i'm tired.. really doo..
i think that i'm ready to let go... so fed up with all this..
i need time to be on my own.. i need timw to think.. i need time to look for myself... i need to find myself again..
i dun feel like the same person since i get to know him...

letting go..,, slowly but surely....
exams r coming.. need to go n study... n try to forget... n try to be strong....

luv
steffy

Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
Author: Curtis Judalet

2002-10-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

8.38 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
later going nitecycling...
this week has been so stressful..
then today got handball training.. i think that i may not b that good to get into the team.. so scared that i wun get into any team.. may be i wun even have enugh point to stay in hall..
wat am i going to do..
i just message him.. y is he not replying...
may be becuz last time, i kind of ignore him.. i really dunno wat to do.. i feel lost .. wat am i supposed to do... smile.. i smiled.. waved.. i waved ahh then i saw him starting at me.. but i'm soo shy .. i did noyt know wat to do..
will he like me.. i duno.. wil he hate me.. i dunoo..
wat a terrible dilema..
my frenz told me just to 4get about him.. i wish so much..i really wish i could fall in luv with someone more accessible.. or even fall out of luv will be even better.. but still canot.. i really fall deep this one..
take time to heal.. take courage to walk on.. take patience to turn over the page.. take everything to belive in ittt

so tired.. whole body p[ain pain pain..

luv
steffy

i feel soo pitifull...

2002-10-17T03:02:00.000-07:00

5.56 pm in Singapore

so stress lor.. last nite was one painful nite.. dunno why.. when i wake up, i was in sweats... i just know that the dream or sleep was painfull..
aya may be bcuz of the volleyball trails lor.. but then there had been the welfare for choir.. it was a good jub.. but soo tiring.. on top of everything.. was the stress for the chinese test.. why so many test.. these small tests . it's more about speed of writing.. than on testing the chinese knowledge.. i'm scared of not working well..
i know that exams r coming.. but i feel like sleeping n resting... have some time just for myself.. just to think wat..i dun wana feel the pressure ahh..
one thing for sure is that this is not gonna chnage anything ahh..
just now i feel like hugging.. him .. just one hug.. n i would be so happy.. lay down the head. ndrop all the burdens.. all the worries..
*sighs*
need to go n eat.. tonite is a long nite.. need to study my chinese..
tomor is nite cycling.. dunno how to cycle.. so sad.. =(

need to go lor..
luv
steffy

2002-10-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

9.00 am in Singapore

the stress time is starting ... exams r comnig.. how u may run away from it, u still cannot hide from it...
last last nite was quite special.. we have had our block initiation.. it was fun.. but so wet lor...me & stoudou always tried to run away from it. hahaha in fact i did not want to come.. i wanted to do same as gonzesse.. run away from the crowd.. exams r coming ma. but he asks me to come.. i still did not wana come.. but then i gave in.. dunno why ley...
we talk a lots these days.. we talk so much that we know quite a lots about each other.. friendly friendly..
once we talk.. we wer talking about terrence.. how he can be someone really admirable... euh when i say it, it must somehow true.. i dun really like to admire people hahahah.. then he asks about who admire him during the ibg... i told him to give me more time to think about it bcuz there seems to be no one.. hahaha .. but then i wanted to tell him that before i fell for him, i admire him.. i admire the way he played table tennis and badmington.. i admire the way he bluffed the others,.. i admire the way he wins for both games.. hahah may be like he said, most girls are easily impressionable.. hahah but then i know it when some people r good.. they tend to mesmerizing wat.. :)
but
but
but like gonzesse says, this is leading to nowhere... it look like a vicious circle.. keep on spining.. turning.. never gonna stop somewhere
but i am too busy to feel it.. but i know that somewhere i'm just confused...
may eb i just dun want to know anything aout it.. i really got lots of priorities first.. my exams.. my studies..
we talk about it another day.. in another time lorrr..
ahh ihg trials are out.. went 4 soccer yesterday.. hope that i get in ahh.. i want to get into volley also, badmington n handball...netball.. bof. but if get in, i wun refuse.. :)
i need to lose weights.. i dun want to go to mu and everbody will say that i change for the worst.. if need change, i want to change for the best.. haha so that my parents wun be woryy about me over here..
they just sent me money,.. but i heard that daddy took it from his account.. i'm damned worryy.. need to control the expenses... :(

need to go n study lor..

luv
steffy (",)?

2002-10-13T01:58:00.000-07:00

4.45 in singapore

this is 4 a special fren...
i did not mean to hurt ur feeling.. the moment that i ahve repeated the word taht i have realized the meaning.. but then i did not thought that it could hurt u.. i'm really soryy.. i did not mean it... i swear...i never judge u.. will not ...
if someday people ask me about u, i will give out sincere words.. "babe", u r someone i have trusted and like the 1st time i mistaken u for a mauritian.. i dunno why... bcuza i just dun trust easily.. i dun even talk easily to people that i have just known... may be sometimes, u just lack trust in urself.. .. n believe that no matter wat.. some people will always be there 4 ya... trust them... they r here only to help..
u remem wat i have written on ur plate... u r someone great... plz never change...
take care.. cuz i really care for u..
fren 4eva...

luv
steffy

2002-10-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

4.28 pm in Singapore

yesterday nite, somebody opens my eyes on many stuff.. words wer harsh.. but i dun feel hurt or wateva.. there is just that feeling... cannot describe.. he makes me realize hiding in my childhood foreva wun change the world.. n certainly not mine n make it go round...
but u know wat.. hiding is sooo good... nothing to face.. but this is also so irresponsible..
sometimes in my little oh life, i'm fed up of being responsible.. responsible of my class, of my skool.. or my team.. of my family.. of my sisters...
soo fed up... the weight is damned heavy.... so sometimes i tried to hide.. to run away.. but will it change my world.. will it reduce my responsibilities.. i dun think so.. i am naive.. i cannot say that i'm not.. i'm also soo stupid.. cannot even face my life.. i'm not lamenting.. just stating..
but i've learned my lessons well.. and one of my motto.. never do something wrong again.....

as 4 luv.. i waited for many signs that can show me that he just cannot belong to my destiny .. but every signs seem to point at him..
i'm not expecting lots.. i'm not dying of luv.. i still believed firmly taht i i just dun have time 4 a relationship.. but that will not stop me from loving someone.. i always thought that love is hor mafane.. but somehow.. love is soothing.. i dun expect him to say he loves me.. i dun expect something out of it.. n it is not that i dun want to let go. it is just that `fate just does not seem to let me go out of this entanglement... each time that i recovering from this love feelings, something out of nowhere just pops out and here he was.. when i least expect, he is there...
may be this is just fate or strange coincidence..
just yesterday nite. just when i come back, he message me..
just now, just out of the blue, fed up with studying, i went to do my laundry, there he came shortly afterwards.. may be i should not think anything... believe it or not. i really want to let go.. but i just dun want to erase everything about him in my mind.. so i just ignore..
n just be a frenz...
yesterday nite we watched that movie.. my Sassy Girl.. just like two frenz.. dun woryy nothing happen.. n the door was opened... ahhaha.. nah there was no sparkle or excitment.. i wanted to watch this movie.. n he has not yet watched it.. so we watched together... i think that in spite of everything, we can be frenz... frenz r more important tan love stuff rite.. he is not a bad guy.. he is a nice one.. someone u can talk easily with.. very funny..
sassy girl.. fate is one of the important factors... just believe in fate.. n u could have change ur destiny.. i wish this could b applied to me.. but i dun want .. =) should be realistics also ma...

2002-10-11T20:45:00.000-07:00

2nd part..
continued...
about being childish.. this is not justifying myself or wateva.. or even explaining my behaviour.. just want some people to realize that being childish is certainly not something wromg...
i like being childish..
have u ever felt oppressed by all the duties, works, n resposibilities.. my best way is to take refuge in my childhood.. which i did not have..
may be this sounds really weird.. but my childhood is none bcuz i feel that i did not get the childhood that most people got.. why bcuz childhood is not about crying, pain, deceit, dying.. and hoping, wishing,.. i know u guys just wun understand.. but then i dun feel like explaining myself.. especially not now.. someday.. if i told u my "childhood".. wallahh u cry, man haahah
anyway.. so i did not had a childhood.. why bothers.. i can still be a child now.. i dunmind.. so when i grew up, each birthday i will cry.. somehow i hate my birthday.. i wana go back.. on my 18th birthday, it was worst.. i could not believe that i'm legally an adult.. i just dun wan..
so i walk n walk.. n walk till i dunno where.. my purspose.. is to die.. so simple.. this is not a terrible tragedy.. why ot get hit y cars.. i got scolded by so many drivers that day.. but yet.. not hit..
whenver i just cannot make it wiz all n everything, i smile stupidly n behav lik a child.. wat else can i do.. i dun want to die anymore..
that's why i dun mind people calling me childish.. in fact u know wat, i'm happy/.. at last, i'm being the child that i was not years ago..
understand if u can.. i dun care if nobody understand this.. this is not meant 4 all people...just me, myself and steffy =)

luv
steffy

2002-10-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

11.10 am in Singapore

dear diary..
this is supposed to be the diary of a hopeless and soo lame girl who is in luv with the rite kind of wrong......
so i will pass on the worries of my just shitty life..n go on to the main stuff.. may be this could inspires people,.. n make them realize that some people are even more lame than them.. :)

cultural showcase.. i kept thinking of him.. y i dunno.. every litlle songs was painful.. even the chinese production was touching n painful 4 me..
so i smile n sing like never.. bcuz i thought that he is just too "buzy" to go for the cultural showcase..
but i was wrong.. he was there.. n onstage i did not see him until much later.. i just hope that he missed my performance...
when i saw him, the "oh my God" slipped out of my mouth..then i just could not believed my eyes. it is reall.. i think that i turned red bcuz i fell my face damned hot.. may be bcuz i was wondering whether he saw me or not...
i wish i can say that i dun care.. but i do ...
anyway since i dunno wat to do, i adopt my usual style.. ignore him.. i dun think that he noticed that i was ignoring him anyway..
then my mind was in deep thoughts .. why in the whole world would he be there?? then click...
i knew it.. so simple.. the dance of course... like my "frenz" said .. the dance girls wer hot,, hahaha.. who could deny it...
in fcat he said that the dance was hot.. i thought that it was one of the sensual dance .. very impressive n mesmerizing...
but noo.. it was just the girls n their costumes.. lame..
the danse sucks. .. at least the supposingly hot dance.. ..
guys guys.. guys... like mirabel said once.. the guys thinks with their dick...
dear diary.. i will tell ya one of my greatest fantasy.. i'm always curious about guys watcing porn.. n do these stuff... i kept asking myself.. why?/ ... then one day, i got this wish.. i wish that the one that i will love forever, has never see a porn in his life....i clung to this hope quite some times..but then some day, gonzesse told me that all guys have watched.. no one excluded.. it was a hope gone.. i wanted the special guy.. but then there is just no special guy on this earth...
some people say that i am horny.. well definitely not.. our society differs so much.. this sg society is the most conservative n boring.. so soo narrow minded... may be mu is too well advanced thinking side... still.. people should not judge others...
they said that sunnyboy is horny...but i still think that he is much more that people may think he is... much more.. something really deep that nobody ever explore before...
sometimes u tend to judge people.. but then have u ever thought that if u can judge ppl, ppl may also judge u...
if u tend to judge negatively, pple may also judge u negatively...
nobody is perfect.. nobody can do everything correctly.. everybody got weaknesses..
that's why God always forgive..
if u put urself on an upper level than other, someday u will fall.. fall even lower than the ones u looked from high...
dun think that u r bettter .. n then when someday u can be the worst..., people wun hav the sympathy that u did not have for them..
treat people equally...
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

2nd part .. to be continued.. haha
luv steffy

2002-10-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

10.59 am in singapore

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
....

u know wen people r rude to u
u know wen people dun want u
u know wen people make fun of u
u know wen people just does not want u as fren anymore

do u still struggle for it?
do u still wana fight for that kind of friendship?
do u still say that one is my good fren?

why doing all that wen it will not change anything?
why struggling for someone not worth it?
why caring when being rejected in return?
why having frenzzz like this?

the best way is just to let go.. no strings attached make sense..
nothing that could have linked two persons by a special bond..
may be it could b harsh.. may be it will b difficult.. may be it is better that way..

i wish i can say that i dun care..
i wish i can say that one lost, so many others..
i wish i can say that even typed words dun hurt..
i wish i can say that it is juts not the end of the wolrd...
but even if i had the genie of alladin.. i still need more wishes to make come true..
n somehow.. i just dun want them to come true anymore..

letting go.. slowly but surely.. letting go n try to start anew..
letting go n try not to make the same mistake again...
letting go n be more careful next time..
letting go n be someone else...

sometimes.. if u r very close to a person.. u tend to joke around.. this is bcuz no matter wat stupid joke it could be, u still think that the otehr end people wil understand.. but before.. choose properly.. no everyone can understand.. not everyone is ur true frenz. not everyone think like u..
*moral of the day*

2002-10-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

9.16 am in singapore

Dear diary last nite was soo tiring..
we had the carrom competition.. aya i lost with mel against elileen n jiayi.. i also lost with monkey against mel n bob..
cannot fight agaisngt loving couple hahaha... nah at least i get to play with monkey... aya thought that he was damned good ahhh.. siaoooo

then we had tech run for choir.. aya i got scolded.. i was fooling around n got scolded by jay.. aya i felt so small and childish.. "i dun want this type of behaviour again" annaannana treat me just like a child ahhhh

the other nite.. sunnyboy told me nite.. so sweett n soo weird.. i wish so much that he said it bcuz he cares.. but it could like going on thedream... *sigh*
then last nite, he asked me whether i was going to eusoff bash.. how?? why?? so weird.. i told not lah.. but i think that he went... anyway dun care (does it sound true.. dun care also) bcuz when i replied him, he never replied... so i gave him back his nites with a "sweet dreams"...
then just before the tech run, we wer rehearsing outside, i saw him.. ayaya heard shanti or someone said my name.. may be becuz i was staring at him.. wondering whether i'm dreaming or not.. whther he is just an illusion from my sicked mind..
ahhhh his hair sucks ahhhhhh.. it looks like a bush...
hhahaah

anyway.. need to go to class..
tonite got cultural showcase.. hope everything will be okie lahh...

ahh my roomate went bak.. so happy... whole room for myself hahaha she was soo hapy with the birthday gift that i gave her,, hihi :)

need to go n get ready ahh..
i dun think that he will come to cultural case *sigh*...
wateva..

luv
steffy

2002-10-09T06:39:00.000-07:00

9.25 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
i dunno what is the problem with one of my good friend.. in fact, he was the one doubting about me making out ahhh... with sunnyboy..
in fact, he thinks that i have alreadi done it.. if it had been some other person, i would hav pissed of.. dun care wat.. but he is one of my good frenzz.. n i feel really bad that he thinks like that.. when he saw sunnyboy's slippers.. he thoughta that i was making out.. i told him once that i will not do it before mariage.. i know tthat this sounds soo outdated to many people.. dun care.. it's just one of my principles.. to give my virginity as a symbol of luv to the one that i will get married to.. ayay this sounds soooo old fashioned.. dun care...
anyway i explained to him once. but he did not believe me. i cannot do more than that.. only one person will confim thsi later.. hahahah
he n my otehr good fren.. one of my neighbour thought that when they saw other's slippers in front of my door that we r making out.. this is damned lousy from themm but i tried to forget it..
then i had a good talk.. explained the whole thing..
but then today, i ask him to come with us.. since he got nothing to do.. he said could not.. i ask him to come n have lunch,, he said that he was on diet n tired.. then at the art canteen, i saw him with my good neighbour.. i'm not feeling wateva jealous.. i was really happy to see my neighbour but then why ahh?? why this way... tried to talk to him.. got ignored.. feeel damned hurt..
in his diary he said that he tried to be my friend.. i dun want people to try to be my frenz.. i want them to just b one.. i dun expect much.. i dun even try to tell them all my worries.. so that they dun have to worry about me.. but they said that i did not tell them anything..
diary i'm soo confused.. i always feel so misunderstood.. i dunno wat to doo...
it's seemed that in these moments that u doubt about friendship.. he said that he dunno me that he knows me only for 3 months.. i also know him only for 3 months ey... but i accepted friendship.. n want to b his frenz.. no matter how long i get to know him.. i need not know everything about him to b a frenz rite??
i doubt i doubt...

i cannot belive that worries could be like this.. hor mafane ahh..
i wish someone can help me...
i wish i can have someone to hug.. i wish that i dun feel alone..
i wish that my frenz wun let me down
i wish that my frenz wun think bad of me n accept as i am...
i wish that all these wishes could come true..

To do nothing evil is good; to wish nothing evil is better.
Claudius 10 BC-AD 54, Roman Emperor

bye
steffy

2002-10-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

9.44 am in Singapore

aya diary..
u know that i'm very fervent to destiny and fate.. as long as i can see signs of coincidence.. then i feel that there is something pre-destined...
but then of every time, should it be that time.. n of all people, should it be him ahha
i just want to stay away from him lah...
i was going with sookping for her project.. chattting with mel gater.. then he pops out of nowhere.. i duno what to do.. so i just wave n act nothing.. it was soo hard.. i feel troubled.. n i feel very awkward... wat to doo.. ahhh
so i thought that the best way is to just ignore him in the end.. man, wat else can i do..
i still got that stupid way of cheking his name on my icq and if he is away mode, i check on my messenger.. loking for sunnyboy...

btw, his hair really sucks, man... if that continues to grow, i;m ready to pay tohav his hair cut, man hahaha silly
also.. his shirt although a tone of purple.. also sucks.. it loks damned dull.. should just give him some fashion tips..

i wonder if theses r my way to get away from him........ i dunno..
wat i know is that theses r quite true ahh...

i just dun want to c him ahh.. dun wan..

shoul end here before i get some nervous crisis... :)
luv
steffyy

2002-10-08T10:41:00.000-07:00

1.39 am in Singapore

i'm sooo tired.. been rushing here n there.. for choir n for welfare.. i have bathed before going singing.. now i'm soo sweaty... need to go n bath

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous

sometimes .. okie most of the times, whenever i pass the link linking the c block and the comm hall, i try to c up.. yeah can see his room.. can see whether he may be in or not.. aya.. y ahh... i really dun want to think of him ahh.. sometimes i watch couples, i grew soo envious.. y cannot be me ahh..
did i tell u that just before parting, he hug me n we remained interlaced.. it was so good.. oh i thouht that if my head could not find the rite place n fit comfortably, then we r just not destined ahh.. then when my head laid.. it was damned good.. of all, this memories is the sweetest ahhh....
this secure feeling. ah btw he is a bit fatty.. but somehow i dun care ahh.. y am i being stupid

yeah i really dun have time.. may be just feeling alone n stress ahh.. i know, i just have to find lots of work to do.. then i wun have time to think about him ma.... so logical..

my war has been hard to terminate.. but i feel that with a firm resolution, i can combat the whole world.. dun care how much time it may take.. i just dun feel that i could luv him anymore.. or even gave this thought a chance.. this is juts too painful.. n this is juts memories..

my frenz r rite.. he does look a bit weird sometimes..
may be all these times, i was just a fool playing his sicked game.. n being used like a puppet ..
like N*Sync.. Bye Bye Bye...

he is not even that good looking.. aya./.
let's move on...
my sis fidou.. aya she put on a tatoo.. aya if daddy knows ahh, she is just death.. i may e abgry now with her..but i really dunno wat to tell her now.. i wish that i could have been there for her.. bcuz i know that i could have prevented her form doing stupid things.. ayaaa..

anyway..
wat else can i do now but scold her n tell her to be careful wiz dad..

tomor i wil go with my roommate to a place near kallang.. ayay.. i dunno how to say no.. anyway.. it's for her.. we dun talk much.. but at least we r not fighting..
n her birthday is next week ahh.. should be nice to her this week ahhaha nah lahh dun b silly
just friendly friendly ma... i will just bring along my notes to revise... :)

luv
enugh 4 today..

steffy

2002-10-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

3.24 am in singapore

aya last nite that stupid sunnyoy left his slippers in front of my doors.. n my frenz thought ... that there was somethign going on with him n me.. aya...
we wer talking n then we played cards.. we jokes around... nothing else..
aya it was quite hurting.. frenz r not suposed to be like that wat..
but the good thing is that when i talked to ytreb.. i got to know that they`care about me.. i think that i can get over the first dissapointement...
as long as they dun think that i may b that bad,.
i got that fren in mu.. well,, she is one of my very good frens.. but then not everybody likes her.. bcuz she is the flirteous type.. always with boyss...
i always told her not to got out with so many boys.. wat's tghe point?? does she love al of themm euh i doubt it..
even if i may not like her ways.. she is one of the good frenz that i ahve.. u dun choose frenz wat.. they come into ur life.. n stay no matter wat..
n then one serious talk.. she told me that she is still a virgin.. whouahh.. i really thought that she was not.. so i realize one thing.. never judge people.. only one person can do it.,. God.. judging is the final stage of one's life.. the Final Judgement.. to decide whetehr u will got o heaven or hell..

i was quite hurt that they think like that.. but then they did not get the lesson that i got ...may be blaming them.. would be liek closing friendships.. so it's better just to put oneself in thier place.. may be i would have thought the same thing.. aya realy so complicated.. now i feel like ahting that stupid sunnyboy.. he brings lot of trouble in my life.. may be he is definitley not meant for me..

frenz r foever.. he is for now.. stupid sunnyboy..
i dun think that i will message him anymore.. he is just not worth it...

wallah eyy.. this stupidy is over....

luv
steffy

2002-10-06T01:40:00.000-07:00

4.32 pm in singapore

we talked a lots.. n one thing .. i dun think that i ahve time for a bf.. wher to fit a bf in my schedule..
he could b the perfect guy.. someone that i couldshare this life forever..
aya so sad..
talk to him.. make me open my eyes..
yeah lor... where to fit him..
hahaha nvm.. busy people like us.. just not made 4 luv lah..
i just go n die ahha nah dun wana b silly...
we talk about wat we wanna do.. he told me that he likes me lotsss..
i think that that nite was a great idea...
talking sorts things out.. make thinsg clearer...

steffy
my time to shine

2002-10-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

12.49 am in Singapore

today i went to cut my hair.. aya it';s okie lor. nothing great.. i dun feel prettier wat.. nvm... but at least i get to go n chim wta..
okie here os the stupid details of a girl who is madly in luv with sunnyboy.. hhaha
i change my nick to "rinoa heartily feels weird wiz her new haircut".. i knew it that he will mesage me.. :p
smart rite hahah anyway.. so he asked me lah.. then he asked me to come over n c,.. soo sweet.. :P
anywya we talk a bit lahh.. :P wateva.. this do sound lame wat.. :P i saw him during dinnner.. so cute,..
he is going nite cycling.. so happy.. but since i duno how to cycle, i'll be in car.. aya....
so lousyy.. nvm.. i hope that i get to c him cycle wat... :P

anywya let not make my world centered around him...
the one who cut my hair, is named henry,... very funny.. he even took my foto .. hahah not that my pretty or wateva.. may be bcuz to tak souvenir lah ahhah.. nvm...

i duno why i like that stupid sunnnyboy..

for choir tonite.. i had a very minor role.. but i dunno if i can make it lah.. aya,.. soo shy on stage ahh..
anywya tomor got mid-exams for econ.. arggg
need to go n study...

luv
steffy

2002-10-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

8.38 am in Singapore

yeah yesterday is just another rough day in my little life again.. ayaaa i feel so tired ahh.. my whole shoulder is soo stiff.. oyy i yearn for a good massage ....

anyway, yesterday was also an important day bcuz he messaged me in the morning.. so strange.. anyway he was waiting for his presentation.. guess that he did not have anything to do ma... nvm.. bcuz he also messaged Karen.. ... anyway..
we talked.. about the theme cartoon characters for the c4... anyway i dun care if he found me to be too childish.. i think that i fight with him too much... n most guys do not like it... ayay am i screwing up?? ayay i really dunno.. according to his sign, btw is scorpio.. 3 of november.. if he had been libra./... aya i would have given up more easily bcuz will never get along wat.. but of all the 12 signs, he has to be of the same watery sign as me.. n one of the most compatible ayyaya this is getting damned complicated..

i also mailed him yerterday.. sholwing the pictures of a good theme for c4.. the daltons.. suit them so nicely hahaha.. :P.. then we chat a bit.. but i really needed to go n study.. so i just left rind of suddenly.. may bei just dun wana have in vain hope.. talking to him.. seeing him will make me think of a possible hope.. nahh too painful ahhh.. i dunno if i want to.. nvm...

then the most surprising thing is that just before he went to sleep, he messaged me nite.. ayay this is too sweet lahh.. i wonder why?? i kept telling myself that may be he did this to everyone on his list.. quite unbelievable.. ayya.. dun think too much plzzzzz.. i think that i can get crazyy if not alreadi.. yeah lor.. crazy with him wat hahahah

some other cute stuff.. ronghe takes my mail to give.. wallah soo sweet also... monkeeyy is so sweet anywaay...

it was a letter from asma.. man, how i miss her ahh.. i think that i need to mail her.. n post some letters.. but this week dun have time ahh.. so sad... hope that she is okie..
i think that i'm gonna fone home this sunday.. i miss them wat...
aya should not think too much lahh bcuz got mid-exams hope i can last tonite n morning.. i really got tons of things to study ahhhh

luv
steffy

2002-10-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

9.29 am in singapore

aya.. soo lousy... i think that i'm losing track of time.. i wake up at 8.45.. should have been able to tak the canteen food.. but i thought that the time was over ... so lame.. anyway i went to sleep at 5+ am.. so tired... BUT i did one extra chapter of revision...which means less today hahahah.. =)
the most interesting thing about today.. early this morning.. i was not ther.. studyingin reading room and then shift to tv lounge.... he message me... so happyy :P he wanted to give me back the picture ahh.. then i told him that i'm gonna come to his room.. :P i went.. thne he was lying on the bed.. he did not seem in a hurry to give me back the pic.. i dun mind.. oh... he is quite lousy ahh.. he did not told me to sit.. but i sit anywya haahh.. somehow.. we had the longest person to person conversation.. even more happy =)
we talk about all n everything.. he is damned soo cute,man... his small eyes r sooo sexy ahhhh.. :P why do i sound pathetic ahhhh..
we had fun.. looking for the word curtain online.. he kept saying curton.. ... aya pronounciation bad.. but i let him win anyway. hahaha
we talk.. for around 1 hour ahh... at 2.15 he looked very tired .. so i prefer to go lah.. so sweet..
when i passed by, i saw his lights off... i knew that he had not yet come bak from classes.. indeed, he came bak at 9 .. ayay poor baby..
he is e oldest of 4 sons.. soo cute..
he told me that the 1st day he came here in singapore, he was 13.. and he got homesick.. and he cried.. this is soo touching.. admitting crying from a boy, is sure another thing... :P
somehow, i feel conquered again... aya now this looks damned bad.. i just dun have e time,... n he also ahh... he has to study.. i think that he wants to increase his cap so as to do honors... so admirable n impressive...

anyway.. need to go n eat my breakfast.. milo, one yoghut bar n some biscuits.. on diet ma.... fidou just told me that i look a bit fattter.. ouin ouinnn

2002-10-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

12.05 pm in in singapore

yesterday was sooo tiring.. but the part that i was expected the most was the block supper.. yueah finally.. it is not that i want that block meeting or wateva.. it's just that i wana see him.. i know the excuse iss so lame.. hahah i dun care a long as i can see him wat..
so i was quite excited about the whole thing.. i even wanted to get away from choir rehearsal just to see him.. .. i even arrived there earlier than supposed..
then he was not there.. i think that he got tution or i dunno.. so sad.. so depressing.. anywya i wun let a boy ruin my nite.. so i had fun, fooling around.. laughing and having fun wat..
then he came.. my heart somehow flipped.. i was just turning my head aorund and then there he was.. ohh btw his hair was quite lousy ahha.. but anyway, it was finally him.. he came finally hahah. then i dun want him to know how happy i may be.. so i turned back.. but i stayed at the same place.. near to him.. may be i could not move.. i dunno.. all i can hear, was the beatings of my heart.. so pathetic ahhhh.. so lame...
his hair was lousy.. his t-shirt also.. wateva...
then, i felt that i have to get away, so i went to the other end.. n ignore him the whole nite.. i did not even talk to him at all..
then there was that future birthday celebration.. i was soo happy.. i dunno why.. that he went in fron.. may be so that i can see him.. ayay this is even more pathetic ahhh... he got chocolate cakes.. ahhh he gave to karen.. i dunno why but i was envious.. why her?? is it because they went out together before.. argghhh anyway.. i still cannot understand what is my problem.. in fcat i'm quite envious that they being so close.. ayay may be i should really stop being stupid eyy..
did i tell u that i got the foto from DND.. ahhh he is sooo cute.. n the picture is so nice.. not like others.. whenever i got free time, i stare at the foto, wishing that somehow, somewhere somthing could become true,.. *sigh****
anyway.. then we took foto of block.. C .. he was siting just in front of me.. *sigh*..
anyway, then i prefer to leave.. wat's the purpose... so not worth it rite??..

alter after all n everything... i went bak to my room..
feeling damned soo tired...
but then i wanted to talk to him.. so i message him telling him about the fotos.. DND one lah..
he asked to c.. i said later i scan lahh.. but he want to c now..
i said okie lor.. just wait on the c4 bench.. but he said commee to his room.. wallah so exciting... stupid of course no lah.. i'm soo tired, man...
anywya i went.. aya.. his friends wer all outside.. so paysei.... anywya.. his room very plain.. no cosiness.. no warmth.. may be it suits him best.. anyway.. i just showed him the pics.. he took the foto to be scanned.. :P
i dun mind.. hahahah nvm... but i will miss the foto lah.. i wanted to buy a frame.. secret admirer... so exciting ahh.. :P anyway.. how about enlarging teh foto ahha.. damned this looks like a sicko writing.. wateva... may be i'm sick.. :)

anywya that was quite exciting..
soo tired,,.. wana go sleep but still got so much to do ahhh..

2002-09-30T06:33:00.000-07:00

9.28 pm in singapore

this is a song that i like particularly.. not bcuz it is loud or very good.. it is simply the words that ring something in my mind...
soo silly i know.. anyway c e song 1st..

Lee Ann Rimes - Right Kind of Wrong
Know all about
About your reputation
And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
That I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
Might be a mistake
A mistake I'm making
But what you're giving I am happy to be taking
Cause no one's ever made me feel
The way I feel when I'm in your arms
They say you're something I should do without
They don't know what goes on
When the lights go out
There's no way to explain
All the pleasure is worth all the pain
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you
That I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong
I should try to run
But I just can't seem to
'Cause every time I run you're the one I run to
Can't do without, what you do to me
I don't care if I'm in too deep
Know all about
About your reputation
And how its' bound to be a heartbreak situation
But I can't help it if I'm helpless
Every time that I'm where you are
You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can't fight it anymore
Oh I know, I should go
But I need your touch just too damn much
Loving you isn't really something I should do
Shouldn't wanna spend myh time with you
That I should try to be strong
But baby you're the right kind of wrong
Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong

i know that he was a buaya but i still think that somewhere he is not.. and he is much more than others talked about.. n much more that he wana show us all.. n much more than he may know himself...
i know that i should not have fallen for him.. in fcat at 1st, i would never hav fallen for him.. then he came near to me,, n somehow he touches my heart.. now.. i really need his touch which i dream all nites.. since that nite..
it may be dumb.. it may sound silly.. but watevea he may give to me, i'm ready to take.. the least luv or like it can b
how can i be sooo sttupid.. wat a terrible dilemma.. i feel like dying just to see him say that he likes me..

2002-09-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

1.28 pm in singapore
today i skipped n will b skipping all classes.. got so much work to do,.. when i first came here, i always thought that i could always cope.. i dunno if i'm coping or not.. at least i'm not dyying wat.. this is ohhh so much work lahh.. i need to finish one big history esay fro tomor.. btw, i hate history.. i dunno the purpose of studying it.. ayaaa... this life really sucks... i dun have the time 4 nothing.. i just wana to have my full beauty sleep.. have some fun.. watch some movies.. fall in luv.. hahahah sooo funny rite?/ now i feel dumb...
i just wana a break.. some rest.. some peaceful moments when i wil not b rushing to do assignments ... studying like mad for tests... thinking about a design or posters for my committeess.. and above all... peace of mind...
in these moments, i feel like breaking down n cry.. cry all my soul.. so that i can wash away all the troubles.,, al the worries.. all the burdens.. all the responsibilities...

tonite or rather this morning.. bcuz i slept at 6 in the morning.. doing my posters...
i dreamt about taht guy in my hall, weida.. he is physically strong.. and since he was in the commando army, well he sure is strong lah... btw i dunno why i dream about him.. i dun even talk to him or know him that well.. just know him bcuz he was in pageant.. anyway..
yeah my dreams was quite strange.. there were a group of guys... who were exercising.. they have been exercising for quite a very long time.. but compared to weida, the others were quite skinny and looking weak type.. but the funniest thing was that they were betting at wat time, weida is gonna fall and give up... but then it could be seen that weida was sweating the most and was having some difficulty to breath.. it looks like some commercial about heart failure.. that some fat person have stronger endurance than any normal person but who has heart failure or something like that lah..
then weida actually fell.. n i duno where i came from.. i rush to catch him before he falls.. i did not mind taht he was sooooo sweaty.. and i feel really sad 4 him.. i dunnno why.. may be bcuz he really looks so miserable at that moment.. oy for thoses who think that may be i have asecret crush on him.. well dream on..even though he may hav the hunky look, i hate the hunky look..
that's all..
i really wonder wat does it means.. may be it could foresee me falling how strong i may be or wanna to be... wallah eyy.. this looks damn gloomy future.. i hope not.....

2002-09-29T12:15:00.000-07:00

3.09 am in singapore

issit fate? i try all my might to avoid him at all cost.. he may live just one level up of mine and his room may be at the end and mine at the other end.. so easy to avoid.. hav not seen him for one week. but my heart have been thinking of him since... y isssit that girls who r in luv, must be so stupid.. then just now.. of all people who are upstairs , he have to be e one who bumps wiz me.. y?? y is it so unfair? he may not have the time to luv me or like me... npw i dun care.. but plz.. no more these coincidences ahh.. my heart will start to think about just impossible stuff , making my life even more complicated... it is too much,, too painful also... i must nott hink about him.. not worth it...
y he does not luv me.. i dunno.. may be he does not feel the spark of destiny that i feel when i see him, the trembling of my little heart when i stare at his picture.. his soo sexy n nerdy eyes..
i wish so much that i could 4get him.. have another crush..