Rinoa Heartily

2003-01-20T17:55:00.000-08:00

9.49 am in Singapore

Dear Diary..
yesterday nite he just told me that in the end, he cannot commit..
before that nite, i was out clubbing.. n when i was like damned high, i phone him to tell him that i luv him.. n y he always with my heart..
that nite he never replay wen i ask him whether he luv or not... then i broke down n cry.. i cry all my soul...
how i hated him.. yeah he finally make me cry like the cry that i really dun want to do..then i think taht i know that it wase last drop..
then last nite we talk.. on messenger as usual.. n he told me that he cannot commit,,,
he broke my heart...
wat am i supposed to do.. i told him taht as if i ahve a say... i cannot do anything but accept rite??
dear diary...
sorrryy i really need to move on...
this is gonna b my last entry...
end

pieces by pieces, i'm trying to mend the most valuable thing that i have n lost alreadi

2003-01-09T05:42:00.000-08:00

1/1/2003 5:20:39 AM | gemma lee]
5.01 pm in mauritius..

Dear Diary

happy new year 2003...
last nite as always i make the wish of the year with the usual hope that it may come true.. may be u think that i was wishing for him n me to be together.. but u r wrong.. deeply wrong.. in fact wen on e last strike of midnite i really wonder... my fav nick.. hahah i really wonder.. i wondefr about my life about wat i have done this year.. wat i have achieved... well tks God ... Thks a lots..
Thks You my Lord .. Thks a lots for all the good times.. for all the fun.. for making one of my greatest wish come true,... i'm 4ever grateful.. i really do.. i may not be the perfect human being on earth but i'm grateful.. thks a lots..
then i wish that the next year will be as properous n peaceful.. i wish that my family will always be healthy and great... i wish e same 4 all my frenz.. old ones n new ones// or anyone that deserve some peace and some blessings.. i always ask for theblessings of all the people i know in my prayers.. they may not know but i do pray.. i pray each time taht i can. when i feel that something can be wrong.. i even pray for people that i may not know.. for people who do wrong to me.. i dun care... may be they dun care but i do ..
i wish that my life at temasek hall will be a continuous one as in all my life in nus.. i wish that i ahve the time to do more community service.. to do more good actions.. to be less blurred.. to be more joyful.. to be more of a hearing ear.. to be good.. to be nice...
well diary... sory to disapoint u but i did not wish that he will luv me by next year hahah i think that sometimes one must know what is the most important thing in the world.. luv is definitely not one of them if i get to choose.. in fact i really wonders.. issit?? could it be?? i really dunno.. i feel that i should start anew... may be be somebody else... i think that these days have been weird... they did not help me think about that.. okie i think of him at least once a day but... at midnite yesterday i was confused as if everything was put into question.. i fear that i will fall for him again.. may be i should b strong...
well life will decide..
i go off now...
next entry will b singapore time heyheye..
byebye mauritius.. later got something to say upon it hahah

steffy
[edit]

2003-01-01T05:20:00.000-08:00

5.01 pm in mauritius..

Dear Diary

happy new year 2003...
last nite as always i make the wish of the year with the usual hope that it may come true.. may be u think that i was wishing for him n me to be together.. but u r wrong.. deeply wrong.. in fact wen on e last strike of midnite i really wonder... my fav nick.. hahah i really wonder.. i wondefr about my life about wat i have done this year.. wat i have achieved... well tks God ... Thks a lots..
Thks You my Lord .. Thks a lots for all the good times.. for all the fun.. for making one of my greatest wish come true,... i'm 4ever grateful.. i really do.. i may not be the perfect human being on earth but i'm grateful.. thks a lots..
then i wish that the next year will be as properous n peaceful.. i wish that my family will always be healthy and great... i wish e same 4 all my frenz.. old ones n new ones// or anyone that deserve some peace and some blessings.. i always ask for theblessings of all the people i know in my prayers.. they may not know but i do pray.. i pray each time taht i can. when i feel that something can be wrong.. i even pray for people that i may not know.. for people who do wrong to me.. i dun care... may be they dun care but i do ..
i wish that my life at temasek hall will be a continuous one as in all my life in nus.. i wish that i ahve the time to do more community service.. to do more good actions.. to be less blurred.. to be more joyful.. to be more of a hearing ear.. to be good.. to be nice...
well diary... sory to disapoint u but i did not wish that he will luv me by next year hahah i think that sometimes one must know what is the most important thing in the world.. luv is definitely not one of them if i get to choose.. in fact i really wonders.. issit?? could it be?? i really dunno.. i feel that i should start anew... may be be somebody else... i think that these days have been weird... they did not help me think about that.. okie i think of him at least once a day but... at midnite yesterday i was confused as if everything was put into question.. i fear that i will fall for him again.. may be i should b strong...
well life will decide..
i go off now...
next entry will b singapore time heyheye..
byebye mauritius.. later got something to say upon it hahah

steffy

2002-12-26T05:55:00.000-08:00

5.40 pm in Mauritius

Dear diary...
i wish so much that he is here by my side.. i really miss him so much.. but i wonder.. i really do.. am i going out wiz him.. issit a dream?? he never promise or say anything.. i regret so much that i ask him that.. ask him whether he likes me or not.. he said he not sure.. then how about i?? i'm so sure that i like him.. wat his prob.. may be he really stuck as far as feelings are concerned.. i hope so much taht he missed me too...
e other day.. i met ffwdguy.. he was wiz pang.. well u wun believe it.. he fell in luv with me.. ayo.. one more trouble.. hope that he wun bother meee.. ayya so many trouble alreadi with pang.. he kept telling me that since e day that we met, he has always luv me.. aya wat am i supposed to do if the feelings is not mutual.. well i understand.. if winsun just tell me that the feelings is not reciprocal.. then i will do my best to 4get him.. i swear.. but not sure about his feelingsz 4 me is so misleading n confusing.. help me God..
but i did not spend my whole time here thinking about huim... i went dancing e otehr nite... waren kept buying stuff 4 me n even pay my entry.. ayay.. must not give him hope.. then got my little neighbour.. kenny.. haha he is quite cute.. but.. soooo... ayoo..
i wanted to 4get him here.. but it's quite dfficult hor./. ayyaya...
like him so much wat..
enfin.. c how when i come back.. should not 4gett o bring wat he wants.l. bottle of win n vodka.. :)

go lahh..
ciao...
merry xmas n hapy n

2002-12-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

8.43 in Mauritius..

dear diary.,,,
sad ahhh..
he does not even know whether he likes me or not.. i doubts,, i not even sure whether this is e rite thing to do.. to luv him

i wonders... *sigh*

2002-12-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

11.29 am in Singapore

dear diary

everything was just lika a fairy tale .. so nice.. soo good.. we went out.. watch movie.. e james bond movie.. though i may not like to watch that movie.. but i was sooo happy that i was going with him that rea;;y othing could matters...
we went out on the next nite also.. went out 4 dinner... we hold hands.. it was soooo great.. i really thought that things could b different... really different,. n becoming special... everything was really like a dream..
but then.... suddenly... out of the blue...
yesterday i wanted to spend the day with him.. i'm going back this wed.. but i think that the feeling was not recprocal... i waited the whole dayy... waited.. i hate waiting.. i got na patience at all.. i kow.. but i waited... i also waited for him to finish his movie.. i dunno wat rat race.. then i suddenly realize that he just does not wana go... so i told him that if he did not want to go out, it's okie..yeahh.. i was rite.. he said he is too lazy to go out... wat was i supposed to do.. i was all dressed.. n waiting like the most complete fool that i am.. i was hurt.. nahh i was more than hurt.. disapointed... i was let down.. i dun care.. i go out anyway... i wun let him ruin my day.. if not alreadi..
then later.. he did went out.. went out with his fren to hav dinner n watch movie.. the last drop..cannot take it anymore... too much.. tired tiireedd..

* to be continued.. another DAY..

2002-12-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

10.27 am in Singapore

Dear Diary...

he is back...
the other nite i was damned sick ahh.. it was soo painful.. having the whole body shivering , head ache, oulalalal but after one nite, i feel much better.. in fact it was less than one nite lor... he message me that nite.. told him i was sick. he looked so concern... i asked him whether he missed me or not, he said that he has been thinkinf about me day n nite.. but i still dunno whether he is bluffing n making fun of my feelings agains... i dare not say that i miss him again... not to make a fool of myself..
but i was really happy that the first thing that he did while getting into singapore is to message me.. so happy.. he has not even reached hall yet.. *sigh*..

yesterday, i asked him to come down.. to eat what i cook.. he actually come down.. may be he did not eat much bcuz he was full alreadi.. but he came down.. it was sooo great... then later we watch that stupid war movie.. but it was okie.. i was happy.. tht's e point ...then i asked him whether he wanted to go clubbing this saturday.. he said dun want.. but he want to go movie.. watch e james bobd movie (dun like james bond) but i said y not... :)
soooo happyy.. but i still wonders.. issit e game again.. wat will happen after e holidays.. i'm going back.. wil it b game over? or just e begining of a new game...
oulalala dilemna////...

*sigh*..
wat i fear now is how to tell my comm that i need to go back.. i really cannot make it.. n my family needs me now..
need to go... need to run away...

2002-11-30T05:46:00.000-08:00

9.28 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
i'm fed up.. really fed up.. i cannot stand this injustice world... i did not get into handball.. i know that i'm okie player.. i can defend well.. may be i did not concentrate much during trials but i know that i can do it.. still she did not put me in.. the top of all is that she is soo unfair.. put all her frenz.. hate her soo much.. more.. i did not get into soccer also.. wat the hell.. i really ahte this life of shit.. cannot make it lah.. i need to run away/... and i will... i'm going bak home.. dad told me to come back alreadi... got something.. i dunno wat...
i'm scared.. soo scared...
i feel so lousy.... i thought that i was a sport person.. well according to em, i'm not.. n i hate myself so much.. i easily get depressed one.. before i do something stupid, i prefer to go away.. run away from em all.. i need time on my own.. i need to go away from here.. n i miss my parents n sisters so much.. ahha who would have thought that one day i would actually miss em...
wat a stupid life of shit...going back on 11,, they wun care.. they never care anyway.. will b so busy with the ihg.. volleyball.. she never let me play.. i stiull wonder y she put me in.. she always said " stef can u lower urself".. "stef harder.. " " stef softer".. always somethign is wrong.. i never talk that much wat,.. i alaywa the silent one.. wat the hell...
then.. i'm going back.. i miss him soo much alreadi... i wonder if he is coming back at the end of this week.. if yes, then can c him.. if not... sad lor.. no fate..
yesterday.. went clubbing.. with jhonny.. then we danse one slwo danse at e end.,. nothing wrong.. but when he holds me, i actually think that it was Him holding me..
karen also think that they r rite.. so i am e only one who find wrong in e list.. i hate this life..
how to get points.. how to stay.. how to continue... how to achieve high..
hate this life.. hate this life.. hate this life.. hate this life... hate this life...
i going clubbing.. think taht it is e only thing i can do wel.. i'm soo lousy in everything...
hate this life..
ahh one thing.. i will wait 4 fate to decide.. if no fate.. then must c how after 3 weeks... i cannot wait 4 him anymore.. cannot wait like a stupid girl sicky inlove...i wan to start anew.. so i wil go back.. n ponder about this stupid life.. then come back n start again...
God Please Help Me........................

2002-11-26T07:35:00.000-08:00

11.20 pm in Singapore

dear diary..

today very tired.. got 5 hours of trainings.. i just hope that i get into these sports.. basketball, netball and soccer... and that i slim down ahhahaha.. :P anyway.. tomor even tough day.. going for sunley buloh.. to take care of children... and come back for volleyball training...anyway.. that's my life now... but i did not get into badmington.. so sad... anyway..
it's been a few days since holidays.. mine... since wed... i went shoping.. went to buy new shoes.. nice but ex lor.. mum gonna kill me hahahha... in fact she knows... it's okie lahh.. ahhaha they got the parcel from karen hahah they r happyy.. :P so no scolding hahah but i will need to buy soccer boots if i get into soccer.. hope soo cross my fingers.. n i want to get into netball, handball and basketball now.. i must b crazy... in fact i'm scared of not getting in.. :(

the otehr day... saturday was his last exams day.. he went back straight afeter it... guess wat he did.. he fone me..just to say byebye... just to say that he is going back.. i was tired at that time.. but after the call, i feel sooooo happy.. i dunno whyy.. i'm just being stupid i guess..
anyway.. must c how after these 2 weeks.. i really wish.. but wishing upon a star is so easyyy..
anyway.. me tired.. tomor got the sungei bulorhh/// :)

nitenite..
steffyy

i will use these two weeks.. these trainings to just try to 4get him/.....

2002-11-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

10.54 am in Singapore

dear diary..
hurt ahh.. hurt so much.. whenever i think of him, my heart aches.. why ah?? why must things be like this.. somehow i got this feeling that we r never gonna b together...never...
i wish taht i could really hate him.. deep inside, i'm really hurt by his ways.. but deep in my heart, i just could not let go..'
wat am i supposed to do? just ignore him?> dun smile.. dun mesage him.. stop being too nice to him.. stop caring 4 himm or even stop loving him.. i wish that all this could happen through my one n only wish....
he keeps haunting me like a ghost... like a spectre.. who would never rest as long as i'm not down 6 feet uner the ground also.. i feel this life is bitter, no taste.. no love would be so cruel.. so bad.. so sad.. but with luv, it just does not make it better,, pain suffereing endurance...
yesterday while watching movie, i just stare on the window in front of me n just expect him to pop in.. n smile the smile that i like,,, i would smile back bcuz the smile was alreadi there just by the thought of it.. it sounds so silly now.. at nite, i always have this special thought of him b4 going to sleep.. i feel that i'm letting go.. not letting him go but letting myself go... and it's bad.. it will just automatically destroyed me... how?/ i dunno.. wat to do?? i dunnoo.. luv is strong.. i just hope that i'm stronger... may be i'm just one sicked girl in luv.... so lame... if i go through all this n still come out intact, i wun b e same.. just the me but one bitter one.. i just feel it...
help me... somebody plz help me..

2002-11-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

2.30 am in Singapore

dear diary..
this may soon cease to exist.. bcuz this time the feeling of letting go is strong.. bcuz... bcuz i'm disgusted...
last last nite, i ask him to come n help me bring my frenz who was very sleepy home.. but no he did not came.. ask me why.. i dunno..
i found that it was quite heartless n selfish ahhh.. i hate people like that... mel said that may be he is tired or lazy... it's not about otehr triviual stuff .. it's about people's life.. should be more serious... she was realy sleepy and i was really scared that she will fall on the way back .. then how?? how was i going to manage with all n everything??? he failed.. he failed lamently... the only test....
sad... sad... disapointed.. wat else can i be.. it's not about me.. it's something deep inside...
this week and the next two weeks... this weks he got exams everyday.. next 2 weeks he is going back malaysia...
somehow i will miss him.. but.,.. i will try to 4get him during this period of time.. cannot lor...
this is too painful..
okie.. here i say it loud.. the last time lor... i love him..
i love the way he is so serious during competition..
i love the way he smiles with the 2 eyes closed..
i luv the way he cares for me, even if it is only two times...

but i hate the way he tends to joke around with his frens..
i hate his way of being an arrogant chauvinist pig
i hate even more myself for not having teh courage to let go..

two weeks of absense.. will try to 4get,, n move on..
unless.. unless he really changed .. unless he admits that he likes me.. unless he asks me out ... i wil make him just another man...

luv
steffy

2002-11-15T18:50:00.000-08:00

10.44 am in Singapore

dear diary..
that's it/.. he has been using me all the way.. making fun of my feelings for him... abusing me ... mocking ... sooo funnyy...
i hate him, man.. hate him so much now that i wan kick his big ass good-bye.. wana make him suffer as much as i am now.. wana make him regret his miserable life of shit... wana make him wana die...
*sigh* all these r just stupid words of anger.. i just know it.. but wat else can i do..
why in this fucking world do i have to love somebody like that// i'm not even sure how he feels about me.. in any case, it could not be love.. may be a distraction.. something funny that can be done from time to time.. hate him so much taht stupid moron...wana make him suffer...
yesterday nite was the last drop... i just ask him 4 help.. but no.. he cant.. damned stupid man.. damned selfish and heartless...wat if something really happen to me n mel?? wat would happen.. somehow i really wish that something could have happened so that his conscience would not be at ease.. but does he have one?? i doubt now.....
i hate his rude way of talking... his impolite way of talking.. of ssaying that he falling asleep already.. as if dismissing me or sometjhingf like that... he rhink that he is wat?? the king may b.. damned him/.. just go to hell, man...

steffyy

2002-11-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

3.06 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
studying.. have alreadi gone through the first papewr.. i fluked.. i got this feeling of failure..
but why i'm writing is bcuz..
i was thinking of himm.. so sad.. yesterday saw him.. very late..
was soo happyy..
i made the small flowers to give to all my neighbours 2 wish them luck 4 e exqams...
n somehow i made one for him.. why i dunnoo..
in fact when i made the first one, i took more than one hour to do so... may be bczu i care.
i just know that the first one will be for him.. i wana so much to give him.. but i dare not..
wat if he refuses... wat if he just make fun of me..
what if i just slide it under his door and do nothing>>
wat if i just dun give him..
i stare at the flower n think of him.. so lame rite..
c how lahh.. going to study..
just wanted to tell ya that i was thinking of him n somehow i miss him.... miss him soo much....
*sigh*

luv
steffy

2002-11-08T03:38:00.000-08:00

damned cannot write more.. people is staring at me.. i must lower my screen down.. i cannot let people c this.. so pai sei lor.. fdamned it.. i dun wan people to know that i may be that weak.. that i may that stupid.. that i'm just a dumb girl.. i wana so much show the world of wat i can be.. i may not b the strongest person on earth.. but i am strong in my own special way.. i may not be the special girl.. but i know that i'm different olor... i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i really i really i real;y i rea;;y i rea;;y do i rreally do.. i really do

luv steffy

2002-11-08T03:36:00.000-08:00

7.24 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
yesterday .. i think that it was on of my first move to let him go...
ask me how...
he messsage me late at nite.. may be in the morning.. around 1 oclock .. dun remember..
i was like so shocked that i nearly tripped on the stairs.. in the study room... anyway... he was asking me whether i was studying or not.. so weird.. that wat i also think.. but then.. anyway... okie.. i really thought that things wer changing but it was not..
i do feel like a toy in his hands, palyed around.. pulled here and there... damned it...
in fcat he was bored .. so i thought that he wanted to talk n tell me stuff.. may be he is stressed like the otehr time.. n got big projects taht he want to tell people.. i dun mind listening to him.. bcuz i think that everyone should have someobody to listen to.. anyway..
but i was studying.. i need to do lotds of stuff.. anyway....
so i tell hom that may be later i come n talk to him...
then he replied that he may be asleep.. wat he want me to do... come n c him immediately lor?? wat he wana do?? itssit a game.. it is sicked thenn i dun wana play.. i duyn wan to play anymore... this just too sicked lor...
i hate him so much.. then he replied me that he is falling asleep anyway/.. i was hurt.. i was damned hurt lor,..
the way he talked to me,, is always so cold.. n i told him so.. he never replied.. he is playing with my feelings.. why ah?? why me lor?? why?? i hate him so much...
just notw i saw him and he do as if he cannot see me.. eeven more hurt.. i hate him with all my soul and heart.. how could he?? why?? i try to give him everything.. but i got nothing.. bonly my love.. n he treat me as if i never exist before.. i dun wana live this life of shiot lor... dam,ned he.. damned.. i feel really bad.. if only he knew how much i wanated to go n c him.. just the sight of him.. i really will b happy lor.. but no.. things turned out to be not that i could dream.. anyway.. i resisted.. i think that it is a god move.. everbody said he is bad .. why?? issit really that love is bad mer??

luv steffy

2002-11-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

11.16 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
am at e bizad canteen.. still revising... though i feel that i ahve been doing nothing.. n damned scared that i fluked my exams...
but i'm stress.. feel the head so heavy... and the neck so stiff.. aya...
recently, it seems that when i'm ready to let him go.. everybody seems to start to talk about him.. my frenz said that he is bad.. that he is fat.. that he got sleazy smile.. that he got sleazy lokk.. i wanted so much to tell them taht if physical apearance counted so much for me, i would never never have go for this type of guy.. may be he is a bit round round.. and not that tall.. n not that great body also.. but anyway.. i really dunno go for physical look.. or at least.. however he may be on the outside.. i just cant seem to find the bad parts of it.. may be love is really blin.. i dun care..
i dun find him fat.. just string.. i dun find his smile sleazy but sweet.. i dun find his eyes sleazy but sexy n cute.. aya.. this may sound lame, rite.. i dun care...
i'm scared.. so scared that this will be a no-end situation.. a situation that i will surely regret later if not alreadi.. damned..
i dream.. i daydream.. i nitedream about him ... n everything.. isssit that i may be doomed>> issit that i may be hopelessly in luv.. issit thta i may be crazy also???/
should let go... i know i always say that but never really let go in real.. damned it..
i must go study.. let lie to myself.. let not face this situation.. let me stone n dream of him... let me just go ahead for a while.. let me.. let me...

luv steffy..

ps the comment dun seem to work.. got i dunno wat problems.. aya later check,. :)

2002-11-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

1.59 pm in Singapore

very tired. tired of everything... wana let go.. wana peace .. peace of mind..
if i just got time to turn back n stare back at my life, i would simply cry... wat i have done is nothing..
yesterday was his birthday.. they spent e whole nite drinking likemad n puking.. he never contact me or message .. i akways was e one to do e 1st move... n i certainly not the type to do so.. i did a lots.. quite a lots.. i showed him more than i can shown.. tell him more than i could say.. damned.. i feel low lor.. it is not me.. i got pride.. i got my self esteem.. i got my own principles.. i went all through this just to receive a little luv in return.. i'm hurt.. i'm more than hurt.. i'm damned hurt.. i felt used.. gonzesse told me about it.. i know.. but somewhere i feel like i dunno about it.. it seems that i'm conscious that i'm being used but still not that conscious.. i could never object .. never could say no.. never protest.. may be i am weak.. simply n lamentably weak... damned me..
but i still on the verse of breaking down for him.. i feel sad when i think about him.. i feel hurt when i think of the way he treats me.. i feel even worse when i think about me.. i feel damned.. doomed... i feel like crying.. i feel like crying all my soul.. i feel that this life is not worth it... i feel like that i'm gonna hate myself n hate him... damned me..........................................
may be it's just the stress that makes the impact of pain even more painful n intensive.. may be i'm too tired to think properly.. n too lonely.. that i feel deprived.. ....
better stop this drama... need to go n study..

steffy

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment. -Dale Carnegie 1888-1955, American Author, Trainer

2002-11-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

12.46 am in Singapore

dear Diary..
just wwent makane.. y i'm writing again?? bcuz gonzese just make me realise that all through our lunch, all i talk is about him.. damned ...
i think that i'm quite doomed lor.. omg.. dun want..
i feel obssessed.. aya in fer mem betise aya.. enfin o moins pa in fer koi..
mo vraimnet content so gro 40 ahhahaha.. bonne.. :) mo cror mo vraiment lamentable.. aya.. mo k vraiment dan bez la...
mo in plein.. r mem zaffaire.. li zamais dir moi si li content moi ou pa..
i feel hurt.. i feel that this is going nowhere... no response.. dead-line communication.. damned hurt..
but somehow.. how impatient i may be, i will wait till after exams.. then c how...
if still deadline communication, i will just drop e whole thing..
i still dunno how to move on.. but at least yesterday i get to c him.. feel much better..now i can go n study.. :P wun miss him wat.. hahahah damned stupid lor
berty succeeds to move on.. so happy 4 him.. i wana have this type of strength to move on.. to just try to forget him ahhh..
anyway...
this is the story of a very lame girl who is in luv with the rite rind of wrong rite?? :P
ahh one more thing..yesterday.. seeing talking sso fervently.. i wanted to tell him "i like you" no.. in fact it was much more , wanted to tell him " hey, i luv u"... but i did not...
i like to watch him talk about business.. so charismatic.. :P
luv luv him lor..
i just hope that this is not just a whole mistakes.. my frenz told me that he is no good.. but listening to him yesterday, still makes me think that he is not a bad guy.. i like guys who pretend to be cool.. but inside such a tender heart...but these types of guys r hard to get... bcuz they r protecting themselves with a hard shell.. :(
my deepest fear.. is to find him with another girl.. to find that he likes in another girl.. yesterday he talks about cara .. i feel jealous lor.. somehow it never happen before.. this is wat really worries me... i cannot stand jealousy.. n i wun stand myself being jealous.. i think that i will hate myself...damned...
dun wana think about it...
hate him

2002-11-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

11.22 am in singapore

yesterday was my slacking day.. was so tired lor..
then i spent the whole day doing one stupid design for sports comm that nobody likes.. i feel misunderstood.. they just dun understand the meeting of the design... it is about an archer who is throwing lightings.. in fact he is in a cloud pushed by the winds.... but the meaning is much more than thaty.. it's shows several natural elements of weather.. but i personally interpret it as either comet or storm.. but comet is more likely bcuz of the force it loks like going... so sad...
so i was pretty down.. especially when they just have no reaction.. so damn painfulll
i spent the whole day for peanuts.. for nothing lor... then at nite, could not study.. i feel tood down..
then i miss him also... so i message him.. wana chitchat.. we watch a movie "The Duel" one of my fav movie bcuz got vickie n kristy cheung.. two actresses that i find the most pretty lor... :) the story line is okie one.. i watched it before in mandarin but at some part i couldnot understand... so this time, i watched in cantonese.. i understand much better :P
then we talks.. we talk about skoll life.. i think that he is quite stress.. n dunno what to do.. so he dreams about opening a business.. he thinks that he got a good marketing plan, so i was debating with him about business prospective.. very exciting.. but no that much when he always got the solution to back me off.. then at one time, i relly dunno what to say..
in fact business os okie, but dropping out for it, i think that it is quite serious lah. he said that he is waiting for an opportunity, wat opp?? need k lor. so i think thatthe idea was quite far-fetched. he said that he dun want 2 b like most people to work their way up.. i know this is also how i visualize my futur also, working my way up..
but mostly, i think that he can do it, he got the ambitions and guts to do it, he is quite sure about the need of a good marketing plan.. i really wish him lots of luck, but i also dun wan him to fall down n suddenly wake up n see that it was just a stupid dream but then it would have been so late.. so sad.. i dun wan him to drop skol just bcuk he feels that he is only going to get 2000 sin dollars p[er month afterwards...
but i do admire him... so charismatic lor, i like his way to b different, total opp of me ah..

i still think that he is stres... poor baby...
hungry.. makane makane

steffy

2002-10-31T18:25:00.000-08:00

just install that comment things..
dun hesitate.. hahah

luv
steffy

2002-10-31T17:43:00.000-08:00

9.27 am in Singapore

dear diary

in study room now.. so tired. slept only 5 hours last note or should i say this morning... damne tired lor.. back pain pain.. neck stiff
but i keep telling myself that this is only for the exams n that hard work will reap good results... i know this sounds damn lame lor but at least it gives me courage to go on.. :)
as soon as this exams over, i sleep for 2-3 days non-stop lor.. hahaha
the girls wer talking this morning how couples seem to crop up out of nowhere just before the exams started.... bcuz of stress.. yeah i really understand them lor.. when u r really stress, u need someone to talk to you.. no need to have lots of people.. only one suffices.. :) need a god massage.. n tender words that make u wana make the world go round... :) but i dun hav one.. *sighs*
somehow i really miss him.. what is our problem i dunno n cannot specify... what is the outcome, i cannot generate bcuz of lack of data.. what is the input.. this, i know.. but the output seems to be one-stream one.. one channel active only.. without interactive communication or both sided channel.. nothing could be processed lor.. the handshaking failed... the transaction cannot be proceeded... the whole system will just break down..
at first i really thought that the initial problem is the exams and studying and the solution proposed could be patience and after the exams... but the whole calculations wer wrong and misleading... so when the whole system is evalued again, certain factors wer found to be missing...may be lost or may be inexistant...
therefore, as this non-stop process, yet hopeless one, continues, the analyst feels like the work is in vain one.....
so, he will just shut down everything..n try not save any work.. any false data... n try to move on to the next project..
i really feel like letting go.. i really feel like moving on.. i really feel that he just does not belong to me...
i wana so much so spend a whole day to ponder about the whole thing.. but dun have time...
anyway c how after exams.. :)
if i'm lucky, i will just 4get him.. unlucky, i can just go n die.. :P

When somebody gives you a sexy look, you know they're trying. It's terrible! But when you smile, it's so much sexier!
Carol Alt 1960-, American Model

i found this soo funny.. sometimes u just like it when people know how to appreciate you even how damned lousy one may be..
i dun care if i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, dun acre if i dun ahve a brain like Eistein, dun care if i'm not that good in anything..
i'm just me.. sometimes airhead.. sometimes in the clouds.. sometimes not existing.. sometimes very blurr..sometimes dumb like dumbo.. sometimes lousy as never..
it's just me.. take me as i may be... bcuz i will just dun care wat people may think i am.. i am i..

2002-10-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

12.32 in singapore

dear diary
hor sien lor.... been studying practically whole nite lor...
later got test computing one.. only 5 % of the whole.. so irritating...
this sunday is his birthday.. i dunno wat to do,, but i wun do anything..just on that day, i will wish him happy birthday...
it's been 2 weeks since we have not seen each other .. except yesterday saw him on the bus stop but that does not really count lor..
so sad... i may just string at his picture for fun.. n he does look so cute in that ibg tennistable picture..
ah he got into badmington & tabletennis.. :P of course.. soi koi...

i'm homesick.. wana go hom... e otehr day when i fone hime, talk to daddy.. man,,, i really miss em all..
daddy was asking me what was i doing.. told him studying..which was damned true lor.. :P i hope that he is not worry about me..
but he told me not to go out very often.. then i told hjm that cannot since the exams r coming... so sad..
but i feel like going hom lor.. i wana talk to my sisters.. n hug them all.. i wana chat n gossip with my sisters,, tell them what was happening over here.. pester them around..
but i have to wait like 8 more months.. i swear that as soon as exams over, not more than 1 week afterwards, i will try to go backk...

soo sad... :(

luv
steffy

A farmer who had a quarrelsome family called his sons and told them to lay a bunch of sticks before him. Then, after laying the sticks parallel to one another and binding them, he challenged his sons, one after one, to pick up the bundle and break it. They all tried, but in vain. Then, untying the bundle, he gave them the sticks to break one by one. This they did with the greatest ease. Then said the father, Thus, my sons, as long as you remain united, you are a match for anything, but differ and separate, and you are undone.
Author: Aesop 620-560 BC, Greek Fabulist

2002-10-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

2.54 am in Singapore

dear diary..
today was a hard day.. i really thought that it was the end of everything lor...
first.. my guarantors abandoned me.. why ahhhh
anyway dun care..
then got scolded by the officer over there.. i was almost crying ahhhhh..
wat a fucking day...
then seeing one of my guarantor.. have to smile .. pretend that everything is alrite... n that it's okie.. soo hard..
why people r like that... do they know how pain it is to hurt other people or not..
then i was soo fed up wiz this stupid life.. that i went to study in reading room.. i was feeling like being alone.. n have some peace of mind...
anyway.. the forms .. i sent them to my mum.. n tell her to help me.. i'mm fed up of relying on other people... i hate to rely on people...
anyway.. lettting go..
fortunately.. gonzess said that we go out n eat.. we went to ikea n eat.. it was soo good...
then now my stupid roommate is putting her music damned loud .. i'm tired.. i need to go n sleep... i piss off on her... she is super irritating.. i ahte her soo much.. why cant she just stay in malaysia ahh.. why must i have roommate.. i hope the greenman com n take her name... i will be soo happyy... she is damned stupid or wat.. may be she is just so styupidly blind.. cant see the time ahh..
macrelle lahh... bez so mama, foutour.. liziers coter.. dan fesse non? bezer ti pitin lahh.. pa fer moi arager la, macrelle.. mo fout toi ene bez....
li plein moi.. mari enkor.. pa kapav guet so face.. net tryv li, gagne plein.. ek mo fini coummance arrager tou..
omg.. here she sings.. damned.. she must be super hyper stupid or lousyyy...
just shut up ur damned mouth...

go to he;lll, stupid roommate..

steffy

2002-10-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

2.19 am in Singapore

dear diary
so tired n so full..
just had the steamboat party for karen's birthday.. she does lokk sooo happyu.. n that make us all so happy...
it was a total surprise.. :P
i gave her the sqaure necklace.. i really hope that she louves it..
i ask him to come down but he is so anti-social.
the aprty was fun,.. lots of food... and we even watch a movie afterwards.. so cool..
but one thing that i'm damned worried is that i may not get the money back.. omg.. plz dun let this happen again.. mum is gonna kill me...
i swear that this will be the last bday party that i'm gonna do with my money.. they never gave me the money last time...

but still he was not there.. but anyway, he will be so uneasy among all these people..
i dunno ley..
but i was thinking of having another crush on another person.. may be that would make me forget about him..one person is cropping into my mind.. but he tends to be sooo childish.. unlike him wat.. i'm confused.. but when i think about it deeply.. i'm confused...
but i just know that if he does not like me, i will move on...
the other note, i ask gonzesse to buy his porc floss.. but i did not go n give him.. i ask gonzesse to do it 4 me..
he thinks that i gave to him which is true.. but which i also denied,.,.. i dun want him to think that i'm throwing myself over him.. so embarassing...
anyway..
exams r coming.. soryy ah.. but i will be switching everything off.. so wun see me for a long time.. :P
he just went to sleep.. his nick no more on icq...*sighs*

luv
steffy

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.
Dr. Karl Menninger

2002-10-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me.
Robert Bridges 1844-1930, British Poet

he is my hero.. the one that i really admire.. n i dun admire many people.. may be i wun hav the courage to tell him.. hahahha
but i do admire him...