10.54 am in Singapore

dear diary..
hurt ahh.. hurt so much.. whenever i think of him, my heart aches.. why ah?? why must things be like this.. somehow i got this feeling that we r never gonna b together...never...
i wish taht i could really hate him.. deep inside, i'm really hurt by his ways.. but deep in my heart, i just could not let go..'
wat am i supposed to do? just ignore him?> dun smile.. dun mesage him.. stop being too nice to him.. stop caring 4 himm or even stop loving him.. i wish that all this could happen through my one n only wish....
he keeps haunting me like a ghost... like a spectre.. who would never rest as long as i'm not down 6 feet uner the ground also.. i feel this life is bitter, no taste.. no love would be so cruel.. so bad.. so sad.. but with luv, it just does not make it better,, pain suffereing endurance...
yesterday while watching movie, i just stare on the window in front of me n just expect him to pop in.. n smile the smile that i like,,, i would smile back bcuz the smile was alreadi there just by the thought of it.. it sounds so silly now.. at nite, i always have this special thought of him b4 going to sleep.. i feel that i'm letting go.. not letting him go but letting myself go... and it's bad.. it will just automatically destroyed me... how?/ i dunno.. wat to do?? i dunnoo.. luv is strong.. i just hope that i'm stronger... may be i'm just one sicked girl in luv.... so lame... if i go through all this n still come out intact, i wun b e same.. just the me but one bitter one.. i just feel it...
help me... somebody plz help me..

2.30 am in Singapore

dear diary..
this may soon cease to exist.. bcuz this time the feeling of letting go is strong.. bcuz... bcuz i'm disgusted...
last last nite, i ask him to come n help me bring my frenz who was very sleepy home.. but no he did not came.. ask me why.. i dunno..
i found that it was quite heartless n selfish ahhh.. i hate people like that... mel said that may be he is tired or lazy... it's not about otehr triviual stuff .. it's about people's life.. should be more serious... she was realy sleepy and i was really scared that she will fall on the way back .. then how?? how was i going to manage with all n everything??? he failed.. he failed lamently... the only test....
sad... sad... disapointed.. wat else can i be.. it's not about me.. it's something deep inside...
this week and the next two weeks... this weks he got exams everyday.. next 2 weeks he is going back malaysia...
somehow i will miss him.. but.,.. i will try to 4get him during this period of time.. cannot lor...
this is too painful..
okie.. here i say it loud.. the last time lor... i love him..
i love the way he is so serious during competition..
i love the way he smiles with the 2 eyes closed..
i luv the way he cares for me, even if it is only two times...

but i hate the way he tends to joke around with his frens..
i hate his way of being an arrogant chauvinist pig
i hate even more myself for not having teh courage to let go..

two weeks of absense.. will try to 4get,, n move on..
unless.. unless he really changed .. unless he admits that he likes me.. unless he asks me out ... i wil make him just another man...

luv
steffy