damned cannot write more.. people is staring at me.. i must lower my screen down.. i cannot let people c this.. so pai sei lor.. fdamned it.. i dun wan people to know that i may be that weak.. that i may that stupid.. that i'm just a dumb girl.. i wana so much show the world of wat i can be.. i may not b the strongest person on earth.. but i am strong in my own special way.. i may not be the special girl.. but i know that i'm different olor... i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i hate him i really i really i real;y i rea;;y i rea;;y do i rreally do.. i really do

luv steffy

7.24 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
yesterday .. i think that it was on of my first move to let him go...
ask me how...
he messsage me late at nite.. may be in the morning.. around 1 oclock .. dun remember..
i was like so shocked that i nearly tripped on the stairs.. in the study room... anyway... he was asking me whether i was studying or not.. so weird.. that wat i also think.. but then.. anyway... okie.. i really thought that things wer changing but it was not..
i do feel like a toy in his hands, palyed around.. pulled here and there... damned it...
in fcat he was bored .. so i thought that he wanted to talk n tell me stuff.. may be he is stressed like the otehr time.. n got big projects taht he want to tell people.. i dun mind listening to him.. bcuz i think that everyone should have someobody to listen to.. anyway..
but i was studying.. i need to do lotds of stuff.. anyway....
so i tell hom that may be later i come n talk to him...
then he replied that he may be asleep.. wat he want me to do... come n c him immediately lor?? wat he wana do?? itssit a game.. it is sicked thenn i dun wana play.. i duyn wan to play anymore... this just too sicked lor...
i hate him so much.. then he replied me that he is falling asleep anyway/.. i was hurt.. i was damned hurt lor,..
the way he talked to me,, is always so cold.. n i told him so.. he never replied.. he is playing with my feelings.. why ah?? why me lor?? why?? i hate him so much...
just notw i saw him and he do as if he cannot see me.. eeven more hurt.. i hate him with all my soul and heart.. how could he?? why?? i try to give him everything.. but i got nothing.. bonly my love.. n he treat me as if i never exist before.. i dun wana live this life of shiot lor... dam,ned he.. damned.. i feel really bad.. if only he knew how much i wanated to go n c him.. just the sight of him.. i really will b happy lor.. but no.. things turned out to be not that i could dream.. anyway.. i resisted.. i think that it is a god move.. everbody said he is bad .. why?? issit really that love is bad mer??

luv steffy

11.16 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
am at e bizad canteen.. still revising... though i feel that i ahve been doing nothing.. n damned scared that i fluked my exams...
but i'm stress.. feel the head so heavy... and the neck so stiff.. aya...
recently, it seems that when i'm ready to let him go.. everybody seems to start to talk about him.. my frenz said that he is bad.. that he is fat.. that he got sleazy smile.. that he got sleazy lokk.. i wanted so much to tell them taht if physical apearance counted so much for me, i would never never have go for this type of guy.. may be he is a bit round round.. and not that tall.. n not that great body also.. but anyway.. i really dunno go for physical look.. or at least.. however he may be on the outside.. i just cant seem to find the bad parts of it.. may be love is really blin.. i dun care..
i dun find him fat.. just string.. i dun find his smile sleazy but sweet.. i dun find his eyes sleazy but sexy n cute.. aya.. this may sound lame, rite.. i dun care...
i'm scared.. so scared that this will be a no-end situation.. a situation that i will surely regret later if not alreadi.. damned..
i dream.. i daydream.. i nitedream about him ... n everything.. isssit that i may be doomed>> issit that i may be hopelessly in luv.. issit thta i may be crazy also???/
should let go... i know i always say that but never really let go in real.. damned it..
i must go study.. let lie to myself.. let not face this situation.. let me stone n dream of him... let me just go ahead for a while.. let me.. let me...

luv steffy..

ps the comment dun seem to work.. got i dunno wat problems.. aya later check,. :)

1.59 pm in Singapore


very tired. tired of everything... wana let go.. wana peace .. peace of mind..
if i just got time to turn back n stare back at my life, i would simply cry... wat i have done is nothing..
yesterday was his birthday.. they spent e whole nite drinking likemad n puking.. he never contact me or message .. i akways was e one to do e 1st move... n i certainly not the type to do so.. i did a lots.. quite a lots.. i showed him more than i can shown.. tell him more than i could say.. damned.. i feel low lor.. it is not me.. i got pride.. i got my self esteem.. i got my own principles.. i went all through this just to receive a little luv in return.. i'm hurt.. i'm more than hurt.. i'm damned hurt.. i felt used.. gonzesse told me about it.. i know.. but somewhere i feel like i dunno about it.. it seems that i'm conscious that i'm being used but still not that conscious.. i could never object .. never could say no.. never protest.. may be i am weak.. simply n lamentably weak... damned me..
but i still on the verse of breaking down for him.. i feel sad when i think about him.. i feel hurt when i think of the way he treats me.. i feel even worse when i think about me.. i feel damned.. doomed... i feel like crying.. i feel like crying all my soul.. i feel that this life is not worth it... i feel like that i'm gonna hate myself n hate him... damned me..........................................
may be it's just the stress that makes the impact of pain even more painful n intensive.. may be i'm too tired to think properly.. n too lonely.. that i feel deprived.. ....
better stop this drama... need to go n study..

steffy

Our fatigue is often caused not by work, but by worry, frustration and resentment. -Dale Carnegie 1888-1955, American Author, Trainer