2.23 pm in singapore

Dear diary..
very tired..
the nitecycling was definitely a bad idea.. i feel really out of place.. cycling is a world that i definitely dun belong... n all the oac people.. out of place.. then the whole nite.. i was not feeling very well.. may be i was sicked.. i dunno ley.. i just feel uneasy all nite..
he came.. i was scared for him.. so stupid rite... he look damned pro with his bike.. it is just a world that i dun belong..
yesterday nite... went to do some shopping.. ayaay in refer emem betise enkor..
plein r tou plein r tou..
he told me he is imaginating.. imaginating wat... this situation is soo difficult... like i said.. leading to nowhere.. i feel disgusted with myself.. what am i doing.. issit worth it? isssit how my life is ? isssit me? issit always gonna b like this? issit gonna last?
i doubt.. i really do...
i'm tired.. really doo..
i think that i'm ready to let go... so fed up with all this..
i need time to be on my own.. i need timw to think.. i need time to look for myself... i need to find myself again..
i dun feel like the same person since i get to know him...

letting go..,, slowly but surely....
exams r coming.. need to go n study... n try to forget... n try to be strong....

luv
steffy

Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it.
Author: Curtis Judalet

8.38 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
later going nitecycling...
this week has been so stressful..
then today got handball training.. i think that i may not b that good to get into the team.. so scared that i wun get into any team.. may be i wun even have enugh point to stay in hall..
wat am i going to do..
i just message him.. y is he not replying...
may be becuz last time, i kind of ignore him.. i really dunno wat to do.. i feel lost .. wat am i supposed to do... smile.. i smiled.. waved.. i waved ahh then i saw him starting at me.. but i'm soo shy .. i did noyt know wat to do..
will he like me.. i duno.. wil he hate me.. i dunoo..
wat a terrible dilema..
my frenz told me just to 4get about him.. i wish so much..i really wish i could fall in luv with someone more accessible.. or even fall out of luv will be even better.. but still canot.. i really fall deep this one..
take time to heal.. take courage to walk on.. take patience to turn over the page.. take everything to belive in ittt

so tired.. whole body p[ain pain pain..

luv
steffy

i feel soo pitifull...

5.56 pm in Singapore

so stress lor.. last nite was one painful nite.. dunno why.. when i wake up, i was in sweats... i just know that the dream or sleep was painfull..
aya may be bcuz of the volleyball trails lor.. but then there had been the welfare for choir.. it was a good jub.. but soo tiring.. on top of everything.. was the stress for the chinese test.. why so many test.. these small tests . it's more about speed of writing.. than on testing the chinese knowledge.. i'm scared of not working well..
i know that exams r coming.. but i feel like sleeping n resting... have some time just for myself.. just to think wat..i dun wana feel the pressure ahh..
one thing for sure is that this is not gonna chnage anything ahh..
just now i feel like hugging.. him .. just one hug.. n i would be so happy.. lay down the head. ndrop all the burdens.. all the worries..
*sighs*
need to go n eat.. tonite is a long nite.. need to study my chinese..
tomor is nite cycling.. dunno how to cycle.. so sad.. =(

need to go lor..
luv
steffy

9.00 am in Singapore

the stress time is starting ... exams r comnig.. how u may run away from it, u still cannot hide from it...
last last nite was quite special.. we have had our block initiation.. it was fun.. but so wet lor...me & stoudou always tried to run away from it. hahaha in fact i did not want to come.. i wanted to do same as gonzesse.. run away from the crowd.. exams r coming ma. but he asks me to come.. i still did not wana come.. but then i gave in.. dunno why ley...
we talk a lots these days.. we talk so much that we know quite a lots about each other.. friendly friendly..
once we talk.. we wer talking about terrence.. how he can be someone really admirable... euh when i say it, it must somehow true.. i dun really like to admire people hahahah.. then he asks about who admire him during the ibg... i told him to give me more time to think about it bcuz there seems to be no one.. hahaha .. but then i wanted to tell him that before i fell for him, i admire him.. i admire the way he played table tennis and badmington.. i admire the way he bluffed the others,.. i admire the way he wins for both games.. hahah may be like he said, most girls are easily impressionable.. hahah but then i know it when some people r good.. they tend to mesmerizing wat.. :)
but
but
but like gonzesse says, this is leading to nowhere... it look like a vicious circle.. keep on spining.. turning.. never gonna stop somewhere
but i am too busy to feel it.. but i know that somewhere i'm just confused...
may eb i just dun want to know anything aout it.. i really got lots of priorities first.. my exams.. my studies..
we talk about it another day.. in another time lorrr..
ahh ihg trials are out.. went 4 soccer yesterday.. hope that i get in ahh.. i want to get into volley also, badmington n handball...netball.. bof. but if get in, i wun refuse.. :)
i need to lose weights.. i dun want to go to mu and everbody will say that i change for the worst.. if need change, i want to change for the best.. haha so that my parents wun be woryy about me over here..
they just sent me money,.. but i heard that daddy took it from his account.. i'm damned worryy.. need to control the expenses... :(

need to go n study lor..

luv
steffy (",)?

4.45 in singapore

this is 4 a special fren...
i did not mean to hurt ur feeling.. the moment that i ahve repeated the word taht i have realized the meaning.. but then i did not thought that it could hurt u.. i'm really soryy.. i did not mean it... i swear...i never judge u.. will not ...
if someday people ask me about u, i will give out sincere words.. "babe", u r someone i have trusted and like the 1st time i mistaken u for a mauritian.. i dunno why... bcuza i just dun trust easily.. i dun even talk easily to people that i have just known... may be sometimes, u just lack trust in urself.. .. n believe that no matter wat.. some people will always be there 4 ya... trust them... they r here only to help..
u remem wat i have written on ur plate... u r someone great... plz never change...
take care.. cuz i really care for u..
fren 4eva...

luv
steffy

4.28 pm in Singapore

yesterday nite, somebody opens my eyes on many stuff.. words wer harsh.. but i dun feel hurt or wateva.. there is just that feeling... cannot describe.. he makes me realize hiding in my childhood foreva wun change the world.. n certainly not mine n make it go round...
but u know wat.. hiding is sooo good... nothing to face.. but this is also so irresponsible..
sometimes in my little oh life, i'm fed up of being responsible.. responsible of my class, of my skool.. or my team.. of my family.. of my sisters...
soo fed up... the weight is damned heavy.... so sometimes i tried to hide.. to run away.. but will it change my world.. will it reduce my responsibilities.. i dun think so.. i am naive.. i cannot say that i'm not.. i'm also soo stupid.. cannot even face my life.. i'm not lamenting.. just stating..
but i've learned my lessons well.. and one of my motto.. never do something wrong again.....

as 4 luv.. i waited for many signs that can show me that he just cannot belong to my destiny .. but every signs seem to point at him..
i'm not expecting lots.. i'm not dying of luv.. i still believed firmly taht i i just dun have time 4 a relationship.. but that will not stop me from loving someone.. i always thought that love is hor mafane.. but somehow.. love is soothing.. i dun expect him to say he loves me.. i dun expect something out of it.. n it is not that i dun want to let go. it is just that `fate just does not seem to let me go out of this entanglement... each time that i recovering from this love feelings, something out of nowhere just pops out and here he was.. when i least expect, he is there...
may be this is just fate or strange coincidence..
just yesterday nite. just when i come back, he message me..
just now, just out of the blue, fed up with studying, i went to do my laundry, there he came shortly afterwards.. may be i should not think anything... believe it or not. i really want to let go.. but i just dun want to erase everything about him in my mind.. so i just ignore..
n just be a frenz...
yesterday nite we watched that movie.. my Sassy Girl.. just like two frenz.. dun woryy nothing happen.. n the door was opened... ahhaha.. nah there was no sparkle or excitment.. i wanted to watch this movie.. n he has not yet watched it.. so we watched together... i think that in spite of everything, we can be frenz... frenz r more important tan love stuff rite.. he is not a bad guy.. he is a nice one.. someone u can talk easily with.. very funny..
sassy girl.. fate is one of the important factors... just believe in fate.. n u could have change ur destiny.. i wish this could b applied to me.. but i dun want .. =) should be realistics also ma...