2nd part..
continued...
about being childish.. this is not justifying myself or wateva.. or even explaining my behaviour.. just want some people to realize that being childish is certainly not something wromg...
i like being childish..
have u ever felt oppressed by all the duties, works, n resposibilities.. my best way is to take refuge in my childhood.. which i did not have..
may be this sounds really weird.. but my childhood is none bcuz i feel that i did not get the childhood that most people got.. why bcuz childhood is not about crying, pain, deceit, dying.. and hoping, wishing,.. i know u guys just wun understand.. but then i dun feel like explaining myself.. especially not now.. someday.. if i told u my "childhood".. wallahh u cry, man haahah
anyway.. so i did not had a childhood.. why bothers.. i can still be a child now.. i dunmind.. so when i grew up, each birthday i will cry.. somehow i hate my birthday.. i wana go back.. on my 18th birthday, it was worst.. i could not believe that i'm legally an adult.. i just dun wan..
so i walk n walk.. n walk till i dunno where.. my purspose.. is to die.. so simple.. this is not a terrible tragedy.. why ot get hit y cars.. i got scolded by so many drivers that day.. but yet.. not hit..
whenver i just cannot make it wiz all n everything, i smile stupidly n behav lik a child.. wat else can i do.. i dun want to die anymore..
that's why i dun mind people calling me childish.. in fact u know wat, i'm happy/.. at last, i'm being the child that i was not years ago..
understand if u can.. i dun care if nobody understand this.. this is not meant 4 all people...just me, myself and steffy =)

luv
steffy

11.10 am in Singapore

dear diary..
this is supposed to be the diary of a hopeless and soo lame girl who is in luv with the rite kind of wrong......
so i will pass on the worries of my just shitty life..n go on to the main stuff.. may be this could inspires people,.. n make them realize that some people are even more lame than them.. :)

cultural showcase.. i kept thinking of him.. y i dunno.. every litlle songs was painful.. even the chinese production was touching n painful 4 me..
so i smile n sing like never.. bcuz i thought that he is just too "buzy" to go for the cultural showcase..
but i was wrong.. he was there.. n onstage i did not see him until much later.. i just hope that he missed my performance...
when i saw him, the "oh my God" slipped out of my mouth..then i just could not believed my eyes. it is reall.. i think that i turned red bcuz i fell my face damned hot.. may be bcuz i was wondering whether he saw me or not...
i wish i can say that i dun care.. but i do ...
anyway since i dunno wat to do, i adopt my usual style.. ignore him.. i dun think that he noticed that i was ignoring him anyway..
then my mind was in deep thoughts .. why in the whole world would he be there?? then click...
i knew it.. so simple.. the dance of course... like my "frenz" said .. the dance girls wer hot,, hahaha.. who could deny it...
in fcat he said that the dance was hot.. i thought that it was one of the sensual dance .. very impressive n mesmerizing...
but noo.. it was just the girls n their costumes.. lame..
the danse sucks. .. at least the supposingly hot dance.. ..
guys guys.. guys... like mirabel said once.. the guys thinks with their dick...
dear diary.. i will tell ya one of my greatest fantasy.. i'm always curious about guys watcing porn.. n do these stuff... i kept asking myself.. why?/ ... then one day, i got this wish.. i wish that the one that i will love forever, has never see a porn in his life....i clung to this hope quite some times..but then some day, gonzesse told me that all guys have watched.. no one excluded.. it was a hope gone.. i wanted the special guy.. but then there is just no special guy on this earth...
some people say that i am horny.. well definitely not.. our society differs so much.. this sg society is the most conservative n boring.. so soo narrow minded... may be mu is too well advanced thinking side... still.. people should not judge others...
they said that sunnyboy is horny...but i still think that he is much more that people may think he is... much more.. something really deep that nobody ever explore before...
sometimes u tend to judge people.. but then have u ever thought that if u can judge ppl, ppl may also judge u...
if u tend to judge negatively, pple may also judge u negatively...
nobody is perfect.. nobody can do everything correctly.. everybody got weaknesses..
that's why God always forgive..
if u put urself on an upper level than other, someday u will fall.. fall even lower than the ones u looked from high...
dun think that u r bettter .. n then when someday u can be the worst..., people wun hav the sympathy that u did not have for them..
treat people equally...
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.

2nd part .. to be continued.. haha
luv steffy

10.59 am in singapore

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
....

u know wen people r rude to u
u know wen people dun want u
u know wen people make fun of u
u know wen people just does not want u as fren anymore

do u still struggle for it?
do u still wana fight for that kind of friendship?
do u still say that one is my good fren?

why doing all that wen it will not change anything?
why struggling for someone not worth it?
why caring when being rejected in return?
why having frenzzz like this?

the best way is just to let go.. no strings attached make sense..
nothing that could have linked two persons by a special bond..
may be it could b harsh.. may be it will b difficult.. may be it is better that way..

i wish i can say that i dun care..
i wish i can say that one lost, so many others..
i wish i can say that even typed words dun hurt..
i wish i can say that it is juts not the end of the wolrd...
but even if i had the genie of alladin.. i still need more wishes to make come true..
n somehow.. i just dun want them to come true anymore..

letting go.. slowly but surely.. letting go n try to start anew..
letting go n try not to make the same mistake again...
letting go n be more careful next time..
letting go n be someone else...

sometimes.. if u r very close to a person.. u tend to joke around.. this is bcuz no matter wat stupid joke it could be, u still think that the otehr end people wil understand.. but before.. choose properly.. no everyone can understand.. not everyone is ur true frenz. not everyone think like u..
*moral of the day*

9.16 am in singapore

Dear diary last nite was soo tiring..
we had the carrom competition.. aya i lost with mel against elileen n jiayi.. i also lost with monkey against mel n bob..
cannot fight agaisngt loving couple hahaha... nah at least i get to play with monkey... aya thought that he was damned good ahhh.. siaoooo

then we had tech run for choir.. aya i got scolded.. i was fooling around n got scolded by jay.. aya i felt so small and childish.. "i dun want this type of behaviour again" annaannana treat me just like a child ahhhh

the other nite.. sunnyboy told me nite.. so sweett n soo weird.. i wish so much that he said it bcuz he cares.. but it could like going on thedream... *sigh*
then last nite, he asked me whether i was going to eusoff bash.. how?? why?? so weird.. i told not lah.. but i think that he went... anyway dun care (does it sound true.. dun care also) bcuz when i replied him, he never replied... so i gave him back his nites with a "sweet dreams"...
then just before the tech run, we wer rehearsing outside, i saw him.. ayaya heard shanti or someone said my name.. may be becuz i was staring at him.. wondering whether i'm dreaming or not.. whther he is just an illusion from my sicked mind..
ahhhh his hair sucks ahhhhhh.. it looks like a bush...
hhahaah

anyway.. need to go to class..
tonite got cultural showcase.. hope everything will be okie lahh...

ahh my roomate went bak.. so happy... whole room for myself hahaha she was soo hapy with the birthday gift that i gave her,, hihi :)

need to go n get ready ahh..
i dun think that he will come to cultural case *sigh*...
wateva..

luv
steffy

9.25 pm in Singapore

dear diary..
i dunno what is the problem with one of my good friend.. in fact, he was the one doubting about me making out ahhh... with sunnyboy..
in fact, he thinks that i have alreadi done it.. if it had been some other person, i would hav pissed of.. dun care wat.. but he is one of my good frenzz.. n i feel really bad that he thinks like that.. when he saw sunnyboy's slippers.. he thoughta that i was making out.. i told him once that i will not do it before mariage.. i know tthat this sounds soo outdated to many people.. dun care.. it's just one of my principles.. to give my virginity as a symbol of luv to the one that i will get married to.. ayay this sounds soooo old fashioned.. dun care...
anyway i explained to him once. but he did not believe me. i cannot do more than that.. only one person will confim thsi later.. hahahah
he n my otehr good fren.. one of my neighbour thought that when they saw other's slippers in front of my door that we r making out.. this is damned lousy from themm but i tried to forget it..
then i had a good talk.. explained the whole thing..
but then today, i ask him to come with us.. since he got nothing to do.. he said could not.. i ask him to come n have lunch,, he said that he was on diet n tired.. then at the art canteen, i saw him with my good neighbour.. i'm not feeling wateva jealous.. i was really happy to see my neighbour but then why ahh?? why this way... tried to talk to him.. got ignored.. feeel damned hurt..
in his diary he said that he tried to be my friend.. i dun want people to try to be my frenz.. i want them to just b one.. i dun expect much.. i dun even try to tell them all my worries.. so that they dun have to worry about me.. but they said that i did not tell them anything..
diary i'm soo confused.. i always feel so misunderstood.. i dunno wat to doo...
it's seemed that in these moments that u doubt about friendship.. he said that he dunno me that he knows me only for 3 months.. i also know him only for 3 months ey... but i accepted friendship.. n want to b his frenz.. no matter how long i get to know him.. i need not know everything about him to b a frenz rite??
i doubt i doubt...

i cannot belive that worries could be like this.. hor mafane ahh..
i wish someone can help me...
i wish i can have someone to hug.. i wish that i dun feel alone..
i wish that my frenz wun let me down
i wish that my frenz wun think bad of me n accept as i am...
i wish that all these wishes could come true..

To do nothing evil is good; to wish nothing evil is better.
Claudius 10 BC-AD 54, Roman Emperor


bye
steffy

9.44 am in Singapore

aya diary..
u know that i'm very fervent to destiny and fate.. as long as i can see signs of coincidence.. then i feel that there is something pre-destined...
but then of every time, should it be that time.. n of all people, should it be him ahha
i just want to stay away from him lah...
i was going with sookping for her project.. chattting with mel gater.. then he pops out of nowhere.. i duno what to do.. so i just wave n act nothing.. it was soo hard.. i feel troubled.. n i feel very awkward... wat to doo.. ahhh
so i thought that the best way is to just ignore him in the end.. man, wat else can i do..
i still got that stupid way of cheking his name on my icq and if he is away mode, i check on my messenger.. loking for sunnyboy...

btw, his hair really sucks, man... if that continues to grow, i;m ready to pay tohav his hair cut, man hahaha silly
also.. his shirt although a tone of purple.. also sucks.. it loks damned dull.. should just give him some fashion tips..

i wonder if theses r my way to get away from him........ i dunno..
wat i know is that theses r quite true ahh...

i just dun want to c him ahh.. dun wan..

shoul end here before i get some nervous crisis... :)
luv
steffyy

1.39 am in Singapore

i'm sooo tired.. been rushing here n there.. for choir n for welfare.. i have bathed before going singing.. now i'm soo sweaty... need to go n bath

"Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end." - Anonymous

sometimes .. okie most of the times, whenever i pass the link linking the c block and the comm hall, i try to c up.. yeah can see his room.. can see whether he may be in or not.. aya.. y ahh... i really dun want to think of him ahh.. sometimes i watch couples, i grew soo envious.. y cannot be me ahh..
did i tell u that just before parting, he hug me n we remained interlaced.. it was so good.. oh i thouht that if my head could not find the rite place n fit comfortably, then we r just not destined ahh.. then when my head laid.. it was damned good.. of all, this memories is the sweetest ahhh....
this secure feeling. ah btw he is a bit fatty.. but somehow i dun care ahh.. y am i being stupid

yeah i really dun have time.. may be just feeling alone n stress ahh.. i know, i just have to find lots of work to do.. then i wun have time to think about him ma.... so logical..

my war has been hard to terminate.. but i feel that with a firm resolution, i can combat the whole world.. dun care how much time it may take.. i just dun feel that i could luv him anymore.. or even gave this thought a chance.. this is juts too painful.. n this is juts memories..

my frenz r rite.. he does look a bit weird sometimes..
may be all these times, i was just a fool playing his sicked game.. n being used like a puppet ..
like N*Sync.. Bye Bye Bye...

he is not even that good looking.. aya./.
let's move on...
my sis fidou.. aya she put on a tatoo.. aya if daddy knows ahh, she is just death.. i may e abgry now with her..but i really dunno wat to tell her now.. i wish that i could have been there for her.. bcuz i know that i could have prevented her form doing stupid things.. ayaaa..

anyway..
wat else can i do now but scold her n tell her to be careful wiz dad..

tomor i wil go with my roommate to a place near kallang.. ayay.. i dunno how to say no.. anyway.. it's for her.. we dun talk much.. but at least we r not fighting..
n her birthday is next week ahh.. should be nice to her this week ahhaha nah lahh dun b silly
just friendly friendly ma... i will just bring along my notes to revise... :)

luv
enugh 4 today..

steffy

3.24 am in singapore

aya last nite that stupid sunnyoy left his slippers in front of my doors.. n my frenz thought ... that there was somethign going on with him n me.. aya...
we wer talking n then we played cards.. we jokes around... nothing else..
aya it was quite hurting.. frenz r not suposed to be like that wat..
but the good thing is that when i talked to ytreb.. i got to know that they`care about me.. i think that i can get over the first dissapointement...
as long as they dun think that i may b that bad,.
i got that fren in mu.. well,, she is one of my very good frens.. but then not everybody likes her.. bcuz she is the flirteous type.. always with boyss...
i always told her not to got out with so many boys.. wat's tghe point?? does she love al of themm euh i doubt it..
even if i may not like her ways.. she is one of the good frenz that i ahve.. u dun choose frenz wat.. they come into ur life.. n stay no matter wat..
n then one serious talk.. she told me that she is still a virgin.. whouahh.. i really thought that she was not.. so i realize one thing.. never judge people.. only one person can do it.,. God.. judging is the final stage of one's life.. the Final Judgement.. to decide whetehr u will got o heaven or hell..

i was quite hurt that they think like that.. but then they did not get the lesson that i got ...may be blaming them.. would be liek closing friendships.. so it's better just to put oneself in thier place.. may be i would have thought the same thing.. aya realy so complicated.. now i feel like ahting that stupid sunnyboy.. he brings lot of trouble in my life.. may be he is definitley not meant for me..

frenz r foever.. he is for now.. stupid sunnyboy..
i dun think that i will message him anymore.. he is just not worth it...

wallah eyy.. this stupidy is over....

luv
steffy

4.32 pm in singapore

we talked a lots.. n one thing .. i dun think that i ahve time for a bf.. wher to fit a bf in my schedule..
he could b the perfect guy.. someone that i couldshare this life forever..
aya so sad..
talk to him.. make me open my eyes..
yeah lor... where to fit him..
hahaha nvm.. busy people like us.. just not made 4 luv lah..
i just go n die ahha nah dun wana b silly...
we talk about wat we wanna do.. he told me that he likes me lotsss..
i think that that nite was a great idea...
talking sorts things out.. make thinsg clearer...

steffy
my time to shine